I realize the title of this post might offend some--specifically the young in love. How could one possibly manage love or equate the management of money with love? Well, I will try to explain my meaning with, of course, another real-life example.
Times have been hard and lean in the Williams' household as most of you know. Since we moved out of our house, we have made some very small strides in paying down our debt, but we still haven't quite figured out this whole idea of managing our money. It is yet unfamiliar territory, and the Lord had to pull out the big guns to show us what this is all about. Christmastime is usually a stressful financial season for many, and we were not spared that stress this year. It hit us hard--specifically traveling back home. That trip is always expensive. But that was expected; there were some curve balls thrown our way these past couple months.
Out of a sense of decorum, I will not hash out all the details over our biggest money-fight to date. And Chaz and I don't fight--we have discussions. Feelings were bruised on both sides--I was hurt by some things he did and in my anger lashed back with some of the most hurtful words I have ever spoken to my spouse. He left feeling deeply wounded while I felt vindicated, at least until I talked to Jesus about it.
I had every intention of confronting Chaz about my hurt feelings in a controlled and loving way. He did need to hear what I had to say. I asked a wise friend how to confront him and read from Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife about how to confront my husband in a loving spirit before we actually sat down to talk. But in the heat of the moment I lost it; and as I allowed the flesh to take over, I also lost some of the great things I have worked on building up in my marriage.
Now, I know nothing is beyond repair. We have already made-up. But I want to write to you about seeing our marriage from that ground zero-ish perspective. There are some things in life I regret. I wish that I hadn't had to learn those lessons from coming out of a mistake, but that's just the way life is. So in my post-fight silence I talked to Jesus--more like sat before him until the anger went away. Then he showed me some things about my marriage and my attitude toward my husband that I had been talking about doing but had not truly done. He showed me that our financial issues are a fog masking small cracks in our marriage. I now know a bigger reason why the Lord called me to quit my job and stay at home with my family: the financial strain being put on us is revealing the small cracks in the foundation.
In a marriage you cannot always meet each other's needs. Sometimes you try your best and still fail. I think financial problems are listed as the number one cause for divorce in our nation because you have two people heaping their expectations onto one another as well as themselves, and in those mountains of unmet expectations one can no longer see the bottom. It becomes too much to dig up, and so each leaves feeling empty.
I know Chaz and I have probably not seen the worst of our financial problems. But I do pray that as we set our goals together and continue to look to how God wants us to live we will keep in mind some important lessons that I hope you keep in mind as well:
1. Money (or the lack thereof) is not the issue. What expectations am I heaping onto my husband? Are they reasonable? Can I adjust them in some way? What do I need to give to the Lord instead of demanding it of my husband?
2. I am called to love and respect my husband. Even though my anger may have been justified (I think), I still need to spend MUCH time before the Lord speaking to Him about my anger BEFORE I go to my husband so that the Lord can "temper [my words] with His Spirit" (Omartian 35). For "when we live by the power of God rather than our flesh, we don't have to strive for power with our words. 'For the kingdom of God is not in word but in power' (1 Corinthians 4:20)" (Omartian 36). Don't you find that when you go before the Lord he tempers, or softens, your heart? Sometimes as wives we don't want to be softened before going to our husbands but toughened, as if a man would more readily respect that hardness. But you know these kinds of words only create further strife. God's way is narrow and difficult because he calls us to do the opposite of what we desire. He will reveal to you things you couldn't know about your relationship with a hardened, angry heart, and he will show you how to speak in love and respect.
3. These times of hardship are here for a reason. While we did get ourselves into this predicament, God does not waste a challenging season of life. His will is simply that we will know him more. He always chooses to reveal himself to us. Will we choose to look to him, not asking him to fix our mess, but to show us more of himself?
As I wrote earlier, nothing is beyond repair. Please know, however, that we are neither in dire straits nor is our marriage on the brink of collapse! I just tend to think really deeply about this sort of stuff. Pray with us that we won't just "tough out" these hard times but that we will live them and remember always to look to our God who is "making all things new."
