Prince of Peace

I ended my last post by writing "I'm confused. And maybe that is exactly where the Lord wants me to be." Soooooooooooooo wrong! And so lacking in Biblical truth. Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace not of confusion, worry, or doubt. He does not want me to be confused, but rather, willing. 


The Lord wants much more from me than I have been willing to give him. I have allowed my mind to dwell in negativity, and I've indulged in bad habits. And my heart has been devastatingly resistant to anything but my own will. But last week God rescued me through a conversation and a little miracle.


Ever since we decided to wait it out for the house-sitting gig, I have forced my husband to put a date on how long we will wait. He never wanted to do it, but my relentless nagging beat him down. We decided on August 15th, which was actually too long for me. In an effort to get him to change his mind and get on "my" side, I have discussed over and over how long he thinks we can live like this and so on. 

Last Tuesday, I called a friend who is going through a similar situation and asked her perspective. She said, "I can't believe you would close the door for God." I didn't expect that response, but I knew she was right. Later that day as I looked for a Bible, I found a devotional a friend had told me about titled Jesus Calling. I had been wanting to get it and here it was at the house where I was staying. I read that day's devotion, and it was good but didn't speak to me. Something told me to go back two days to the date my friend told me about the book. I read the first two sentences and started bawling. "Trust in Me, not in your own understanding." I have heard it so many times. The remainder was about how humans spend so much time trying to figure out the next "thing" instead of resting in and trusting the Lord. I felt Jesus speaking directly to me.


Sometimes we need to ask forgiveness for not going to God when we are in stressful times and allow our minds to go places we know we shouldn't. I'm not saying I should be strong and not allow myself to cry or worry about our situation. But every time I let those times go by without crying out to my Lord, I believe that is sin. I'm indulging in my bad feelings and ignoring God because I just don't feel like talking to him. I asked forgiveness, asked why he keeps loving me and being so patient with me, and then I felt peace. 


The next day was hard, but I called on Him and my husband came to my side in prayer to fight for me. I realized that it wasn't about the house anymore or where we would end up. It was about faith. Not even faith that God would get this house for us, but faith that he would provide for us. Faith that if I called out to him in a moment of desperation, he would direct my thoughts and cover me in peace. He brought me to a place where I had zero control and everything around me reminded me of that. If I did not surrender control to him, I would have broken... and not in a good way. 


The following day we found out that we would not be able to house-sit for the family. Chaz and I both are at peace with the situation and glad that we finally have a direct answer. Of course we are disappointed, but we are resting in the surety that God is taking us somewhere good. We are moving into a nice and very small apartment near most of our friends on September 9, right in time for football season (go Pack!). In the meantime we will still be staying with our amazingly generous and loving friends. 


There will still be bad moments and days until we get our lives together. But while I don't have my life together, I know that God has. It is resting securely in his mighty and competent hands. And today, I'm okay with that.

bleh...

So, I've been waiting to post again until I had an update to give. However, we still have not heard any news about the house, hence this post's title. It pretty much describes my mood this past week. As my husband said, "My, my, you're a pleasure!" Yes, we are quite sarcastic with one another. 

We have been living with some friends, and they have been wonderful, sharing their home, refrigerator, and lives with us. But I, in my heart at least, have been a bundle of nerves. My anxiety level is high. My stuff isn't where it's supposed to be! My routine and schedule have been hijacked! I am simply not myself, and it feels like I am falling apart. But God is gracious and he hasn't allowed that to happen yet.

I will admit that I've given up on the possibility of house-sitting. It's taking too much out of me to keep hoping for it. I just want a place to call our own. And I wish I knew what the purpose of all this is, but sometimes I wonder if I'm trying to make something of nothing. We chose to wait for this house. Did we just make the wrong choice? Or is it just a choice? Is there no right and wrong, at least in this situation? My husband pointed out the other day that maybe he had been guilty of pride by thinking he knew what God was up to. If we do A and B, then he will deliver C. After all, hasn't he always done that in our lives? 

I think that when we look back on our lives, we can make out a sort of pattern for how God works--meaning how he guides us each in our individual lives. But is that a pattern we see only because we need patterns and routine? Is our God not much more profound than the boundaries of our imaginations?

As is most likely obvious, I don't know what to make of this time. I'm confused. And maybe that is exactly where the Lord wants me to be.