Not too long ago I spoke with a friend about temptation. She was sorely disappointed in herself because she was yet again at a place where she was wrestling with the same thing she had always wrestled with. I could hear the defeat in her voice when she said, "I thought I had conquered this but here I am again." It stuck with me because I have been there, too.
It is so hard because a false belief that floats around in the Christian community is that Christians have it all together. Even when we know that we are not perfect and never can be, we still try to make ourselves fit into that box of perfection. We are so thankful that Christ died for us and made us right before God, but we still think that we owe him one and ought to not mess up anymore. I really believe every Christian thinks that way sometimes.
And indeed we ought not try to sin anymore and should seek Christ and his righteousness. But I'm talking about giving ourselves a bit of grace in times of temptation. When we get to that place of "Oh, here I am again--that means I must not have grown at all and I've learned nothing" I think we need to take a little heart check.
Doesn't the simple fact that you realize you are in "that place" again mean that you have grown? Previously, wouldn't you have just fallen into the old pattern of sin and not given it a second thought? Stopping just short of committing an old sin and wrestling against the temptation speaks volumes on how much a person has grown in their faith.
And in the case of my friend--she called me to talk about it. I pointed out to her that calling on a fellow Christian in a time of temptation is a huge sign of her growth. She called me and not another friend, a friend that would not understand her struggle and just advise her to follow her desires with a tagline of "What's the big deal?" The ability to recognize your need to share a struggle with someone who can hold you accountable is another sign of growth.
Finally, keep in mind that this entire line of thinking puts us at the helm of our spiritual growth instead of Christ. The idea that "I thought I had conquered this" is dangerous ground because it makes me the one who can defeat sin when I have no ability to do so. Put your trust in the fact that Christ has justified you and is continuing to work out something amazing in you so that he can present you as "holy and blameless" before God (Colossians 1:22).
Let's stop this pattern of beating ourselves up each time we are tempted with "that old sin." Satan knows our weaknesses, and while we still live in this world we will have to face them. Remind yourself that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). So, now that we have faith in Christ remember that "if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, we shall be saved by His life" (Romans 5:10). If Christ saved you while you were still a sinner, doesn't his grace cover you even more now that you have been justified by his blood? Doesn't that grace cover you in times of temptation? Doesn't he give you the grace to overcome the temptation? Know that he does and remind yourself that your sanctification is not in the past but is an active, living, present condition.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
small moments
Enjoy the following inner dialogue I had with myself the other day as I was emptying the dishwasher: "Oh my gosh, I can't believe Chaz didn't put the bottles in this thing right. It's freakin' easy! Nipples on the top part, all the other little things in the bottom. How is it all supposed to get clean this way? Is he dumb? Seriously, this is ridiculous! (*Bang, bang* as I throw the empty plastic thing in the sink) Why can't he just pay attention! He doesn't even listen. Liiiiiiiiiiiiifffffffffffeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, woe is me! To have a husband who does not properly load the dishwasher is the saddest part of any married woman's life... right? Hmmmm... maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic.
I hardly ever write anything about my marriage, and I realized it's because it has not been prominent in my mind lately. Except, of course, for the improperly loaded dishwasher, the work clothes strewn on the bedroom floor, and the beer bottle cap left on the end table. It's pretty bad that these small, momentary inconveniences are what dominate my mind these days when it comes to my husband.
Recently, our pastors at Clear Creek Community Church led a series of messages about being peacemakers in our relationships. The senior pastor, Bruce Wesley, spoke about being peacemakers in our marriages and how many of us get to a place where we tend to make "negative assumptions." For me, this translated into my above inner dialogue in which I negatively concluded that since my husband did not properly load the bottles then he never listens to me. Now to a normal person, that would sound like crazy talk, which is why I provided the entire "rationalization" for you sane people. But I really do think that everybody gets to a point in their marriage when they become a little bit crazy. Trust me, if it hasn't come already just wait.
But when I take a moment to stop my crazy inner ramblings and listen to myself, I realize three things:
1. I am being selfish. My silly need to have a neatly ordered dishwasher (like I would load it) was not met, therefore my husband must suffer through a verbal lashing (which will come soon after he gets home from work).
2. This is silly and petty. If this is truly the biggest thing I have to complain about in my marriage, then what is wrong with me? If I have to search for things to engender anger toward my husband, then I must be pretty messed up.
3. How does God see my selfish and petty whining? Wouldn't he tell me to move toward my husband in love and kindness? That the fruit of the Spirit is "love... patience, kindness... gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22). That I lacked each of these in abundance while my mind lingered over the clean dishes that my husband so lovingly placed in the dishwasher the night before so I could take a shower and get to bed at a decent hour.
We all get to a place in our marriages when the moments of ingratitude outweigh the moments of thankfulness. Where is your heart today? Are there moments that could be overlooked so that you could focus more on the good and loving things your spouse does for you, your children, or your home? I know that for me there are more than enough of these moments, and I am trying to focus my thoughts in that direction--to love my husband in the small, treasured moments of the day. Like last night while I was out grocery shopping, Chaz cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher after cooking some mean cheeseburgers for dinner. He is a wonderful husband and father. Thank you, Chaz. I love you!
Oh, woe is me! To have a husband who does not properly load the dishwasher is the saddest part of any married woman's life... right? Hmmmm... maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic.
I hardly ever write anything about my marriage, and I realized it's because it has not been prominent in my mind lately. Except, of course, for the improperly loaded dishwasher, the work clothes strewn on the bedroom floor, and the beer bottle cap left on the end table. It's pretty bad that these small, momentary inconveniences are what dominate my mind these days when it comes to my husband.
Recently, our pastors at Clear Creek Community Church led a series of messages about being peacemakers in our relationships. The senior pastor, Bruce Wesley, spoke about being peacemakers in our marriages and how many of us get to a place where we tend to make "negative assumptions." For me, this translated into my above inner dialogue in which I negatively concluded that since my husband did not properly load the bottles then he never listens to me. Now to a normal person, that would sound like crazy talk, which is why I provided the entire "rationalization" for you sane people. But I really do think that everybody gets to a point in their marriage when they become a little bit crazy. Trust me, if it hasn't come already just wait.
But when I take a moment to stop my crazy inner ramblings and listen to myself, I realize three things:
1. I am being selfish. My silly need to have a neatly ordered dishwasher (like I would load it) was not met, therefore my husband must suffer through a verbal lashing (which will come soon after he gets home from work).
2. This is silly and petty. If this is truly the biggest thing I have to complain about in my marriage, then what is wrong with me? If I have to search for things to engender anger toward my husband, then I must be pretty messed up.
3. How does God see my selfish and petty whining? Wouldn't he tell me to move toward my husband in love and kindness? That the fruit of the Spirit is "love... patience, kindness... gentleness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22). That I lacked each of these in abundance while my mind lingered over the clean dishes that my husband so lovingly placed in the dishwasher the night before so I could take a shower and get to bed at a decent hour.
We all get to a place in our marriages when the moments of ingratitude outweigh the moments of thankfulness. Where is your heart today? Are there moments that could be overlooked so that you could focus more on the good and loving things your spouse does for you, your children, or your home? I know that for me there are more than enough of these moments, and I am trying to focus my thoughts in that direction--to love my husband in the small, treasured moments of the day. Like last night while I was out grocery shopping, Chaz cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher after cooking some mean cheeseburgers for dinner. He is a wonderful husband and father. Thank you, Chaz. I love you!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Daddy's girl
I figured that it's about time to write about something very important that's been going on in my life for the past few weeks. Some of you have been with me through this journey for several years now and others haven't a clue, so I'm going to give a quick catch-me-up.
I've never had the greatest relationship with my dad. Yeah, I'm one of those scarred girls with "Daddy issues" (and my dear Chaz married me anyway!). My parents divorced when I was seven and my dad moved several states away. I was ten the first time I heard my dad was in jail and it only continued happening until just a couple years ago. He is bi-polar, or manic-depressive, and when his mania gets to its height he makes terrible decisions that usually end with him in jail and then prison. The pattern has always been the same.
At one time, I was very bitter toward him--for leaving us, for being "crazy," and for being in prison. I was also embarrassed of having a dad with these sorts of problems and only told the very closest of friends about him. But God began pursuing me with thoughts of forgiveness early in my college years. It was only after many years of trying to forgive him on my own that I allowed Christ to show me what true forgiveness looked like. That happened a few years ago, and my dad and I have been maneuvering this strange new territory of getting to know one another ever since.
A few weeks ago during a phone conversation, I noticed that my dad was very manic. I could tell by his speech patterns and the subject matter. After getting off the phone with him I called my brother to discuss what I could do. He and my husband both suggested that I just tell my dad what I thought. So I called him back and told him that I thought he was very manic. He said his sister had also noticed and he was very thankful that I told him. Through an odd series of events he ended up in the hospital and realized that this was the safest place for him, where he could not be a danger to himself or others. Unfortunately, he left only a few days later, got himself into a bit of a mess, and then checked himself back in.
Last week, he told me that the doctor advised that he stay for another two to three weeks while they adjust his meds and monitor him. But he ended up talking his way out a few days later. I called on Saturday to check in with him and it was quite obvious that he was still very manic. I called my aunt to discuss this with her and she gave me some great perspective. In only a few years I have gone from becoming very angry with my dad when he became manic--so angry that I would not return his phone calls--to caring enough to seek any help that I could give him. While some say I am "strong" because of this, I respond that it is only because God gave me the grace to be able to extend grace. But sometimes my control-seeking nature tries to take over again. My aunt helped me realize that the only thing I can do is pray for him and love him. For some reason I apologized, probably out of disappointment. "Don't apologize for trying to love your dad," she said. It was the first time I acknowledged how much I do love him in a while.
So, with fear of what he would say and the probability that he would not listen to me, I called to tell him again that he was very manic and needed to go back to the hospital. He promised that he would and that afternoon checked himself back in. He has never done this before and realizes that he may not be able to control when the mania kicks in or how long it lasts, but he can do this one thing to make sure that he is safe. He acknowledged that he could have spared our family so much heartache if he had only realized this twenty years ago. He even admitted that he and my mom may have not even divorced had he been this proactive all those years ago. For the first time in my life I heard him cry with sincere regret over all that he has lost. All I could do was tell him I love him.
I believe sincerely that it is a miracle he is even alive today. God is working out something truly extraordinary in his life, in mine, and in the life of our family. He is "making all things new" (Rev.21:5). I would never trade my dad or the life I have had because of him. Through all of this, God has consistently shown himself to me and has granted me with the humility to see myself as I truly am--a girl desperately in need of not just a father but the Father.
I've never had the greatest relationship with my dad. Yeah, I'm one of those scarred girls with "Daddy issues" (and my dear Chaz married me anyway!). My parents divorced when I was seven and my dad moved several states away. I was ten the first time I heard my dad was in jail and it only continued happening until just a couple years ago. He is bi-polar, or manic-depressive, and when his mania gets to its height he makes terrible decisions that usually end with him in jail and then prison. The pattern has always been the same.
At one time, I was very bitter toward him--for leaving us, for being "crazy," and for being in prison. I was also embarrassed of having a dad with these sorts of problems and only told the very closest of friends about him. But God began pursuing me with thoughts of forgiveness early in my college years. It was only after many years of trying to forgive him on my own that I allowed Christ to show me what true forgiveness looked like. That happened a few years ago, and my dad and I have been maneuvering this strange new territory of getting to know one another ever since.
A few weeks ago during a phone conversation, I noticed that my dad was very manic. I could tell by his speech patterns and the subject matter. After getting off the phone with him I called my brother to discuss what I could do. He and my husband both suggested that I just tell my dad what I thought. So I called him back and told him that I thought he was very manic. He said his sister had also noticed and he was very thankful that I told him. Through an odd series of events he ended up in the hospital and realized that this was the safest place for him, where he could not be a danger to himself or others. Unfortunately, he left only a few days later, got himself into a bit of a mess, and then checked himself back in.
Last week, he told me that the doctor advised that he stay for another two to three weeks while they adjust his meds and monitor him. But he ended up talking his way out a few days later. I called on Saturday to check in with him and it was quite obvious that he was still very manic. I called my aunt to discuss this with her and she gave me some great perspective. In only a few years I have gone from becoming very angry with my dad when he became manic--so angry that I would not return his phone calls--to caring enough to seek any help that I could give him. While some say I am "strong" because of this, I respond that it is only because God gave me the grace to be able to extend grace. But sometimes my control-seeking nature tries to take over again. My aunt helped me realize that the only thing I can do is pray for him and love him. For some reason I apologized, probably out of disappointment. "Don't apologize for trying to love your dad," she said. It was the first time I acknowledged how much I do love him in a while.
So, with fear of what he would say and the probability that he would not listen to me, I called to tell him again that he was very manic and needed to go back to the hospital. He promised that he would and that afternoon checked himself back in. He has never done this before and realizes that he may not be able to control when the mania kicks in or how long it lasts, but he can do this one thing to make sure that he is safe. He acknowledged that he could have spared our family so much heartache if he had only realized this twenty years ago. He even admitted that he and my mom may have not even divorced had he been this proactive all those years ago. For the first time in my life I heard him cry with sincere regret over all that he has lost. All I could do was tell him I love him.
I believe sincerely that it is a miracle he is even alive today. God is working out something truly extraordinary in his life, in mine, and in the life of our family. He is "making all things new" (Rev.21:5). I would never trade my dad or the life I have had because of him. Through all of this, God has consistently shown himself to me and has granted me with the humility to see myself as I truly am--a girl desperately in need of not just a father but the Father.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
my future self
I have a picture in my mind of my future self. She is rising up from her garden, dusting the earth from her hands. The wind blows through her hair as she listens to her children playing happily nearby and surveys her land in a quiet moment of calm contentedness, reflecting on a day that was once again devoted to the Lord.
Umm... today, please?
I've had a vision of myself living this sort of life and, more importantly, living that calm contentedness. Yes, that last part is what intrigues me the most from that picture. However, I always want what I don't have and always look for the next "thing" in life that will make me happy and content. And once I get that thing, the vicious cycle continues.
As a Christian, I must make sure that while I look for the next thing in my life, I look to seek what God wants for me. More importantly, I shouldn't focus so much on what he has in store for me but just on him alone. After all, isn't he alone the source of this calm contentedness I desire?
In the devotional My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes about having the vision of what God wants us to be while living in the reality of what we are today: "There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not on God." When we see our future self we always want it immediately. I know I want it now because he forms character in me through trials. Chambers goes on to write that we must live "the realities of our lives in the light of the vision until the truth of the vision is actually realized in us" (Oct. 4). At one point in my life I thought that meant pretending to be who I saw so that it would one day magically happen--God would say, "Yes, you figured it out!" and he would throw a switch that would transform me into this new and improved version of me.
However, God never rewards us for acting. I think what Chambers actually means is that we ought to thank God for showing us what he is forming in us. And although we are not quite there yet, trust that he is, each day, making us new. Our part is simple but difficult: allowing him to mold us. It's not about working toward becoming that person because when we do that it is all about what we can accomplish, not what God can accomplish.
I am a living testament that this is much easier said than done. Just look at my life over the past few months. God shifted my focus to what was lacking by showing me how much we had but didn't need. Now he is enabling me to become content, if not happy, with less. As my life becomes simpler, I enjoy each day more, learning with small steps how to savor what God is forming in me today. On the days I loosen my grip on the intangible things over which I once forced my control, I see the peaceful and content heart I long for. For the first time, I am realizing that when Christ told his disciples, "follow me" it was more a directive for the heart than the body.
When I look ahead to my future self, I see that she and I have much more in common than I once believed.
Umm... today, please?
I've had a vision of myself living this sort of life and, more importantly, living that calm contentedness. Yes, that last part is what intrigues me the most from that picture. However, I always want what I don't have and always look for the next "thing" in life that will make me happy and content. And once I get that thing, the vicious cycle continues.
As a Christian, I must make sure that while I look for the next thing in my life, I look to seek what God wants for me. More importantly, I shouldn't focus so much on what he has in store for me but just on him alone. After all, isn't he alone the source of this calm contentedness I desire?
In the devotional My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers writes about having the vision of what God wants us to be while living in the reality of what we are today: "There are times when we do know what God's purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not on God." When we see our future self we always want it immediately. I know I want it now because he forms character in me through trials. Chambers goes on to write that we must live "the realities of our lives in the light of the vision until the truth of the vision is actually realized in us" (Oct. 4). At one point in my life I thought that meant pretending to be who I saw so that it would one day magically happen--God would say, "Yes, you figured it out!" and he would throw a switch that would transform me into this new and improved version of me.
However, God never rewards us for acting. I think what Chambers actually means is that we ought to thank God for showing us what he is forming in us. And although we are not quite there yet, trust that he is, each day, making us new. Our part is simple but difficult: allowing him to mold us. It's not about working toward becoming that person because when we do that it is all about what we can accomplish, not what God can accomplish.
I am a living testament that this is much easier said than done. Just look at my life over the past few months. God shifted my focus to what was lacking by showing me how much we had but didn't need. Now he is enabling me to become content, if not happy, with less. As my life becomes simpler, I enjoy each day more, learning with small steps how to savor what God is forming in me today. On the days I loosen my grip on the intangible things over which I once forced my control, I see the peaceful and content heart I long for. For the first time, I am realizing that when Christ told his disciples, "follow me" it was more a directive for the heart than the body.
When I look ahead to my future self, I see that she and I have much more in common than I once believed.
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