I figured that it's about time to write about something very important that's been going on in my life for the past few weeks. Some of you have been with me through this journey for several years now and others haven't a clue, so I'm going to give a quick catch-me-up.
I've never had the greatest relationship with my dad. Yeah, I'm one of those scarred girls with "Daddy issues" (and my dear Chaz married me anyway!). My parents divorced when I was seven and my dad moved several states away. I was ten the first time I heard my dad was in jail and it only continued happening until just a couple years ago. He is bi-polar, or manic-depressive, and when his mania gets to its height he makes terrible decisions that usually end with him in jail and then prison. The pattern has always been the same.
At one time, I was very bitter toward him--for leaving us, for being "crazy," and for being in prison. I was also embarrassed of having a dad with these sorts of problems and only told the very closest of friends about him. But God began pursuing me with thoughts of forgiveness early in my college years. It was only after many years of trying to forgive him on my own that I allowed Christ to show me what true forgiveness looked like. That happened a few years ago, and my dad and I have been maneuvering this strange new territory of getting to know one another ever since.
A few weeks ago during a phone conversation, I noticed that my dad was very manic. I could tell by his speech patterns and the subject matter. After getting off the phone with him I called my brother to discuss what I could do. He and my husband both suggested that I just tell my dad what I thought. So I called him back and told him that I thought he was very manic. He said his sister had also noticed and he was very thankful that I told him. Through an odd series of events he ended up in the hospital and realized that this was the safest place for him, where he could not be a danger to himself or others. Unfortunately, he left only a few days later, got himself into a bit of a mess, and then checked himself back in.
Last week, he told me that the doctor advised that he stay for another two to three weeks while they adjust his meds and monitor him. But he ended up talking his way out a few days later. I called on Saturday to check in with him and it was quite obvious that he was still very manic. I called my aunt to discuss this with her and she gave me some great perspective. In only a few years I have gone from becoming very angry with my dad when he became manic--so angry that I would not return his phone calls--to caring enough to seek any help that I could give him. While some say I am "strong" because of this, I respond that it is only because God gave me the grace to be able to extend grace. But sometimes my control-seeking nature tries to take over again. My aunt helped me realize that the only thing I can do is pray for him and love him. For some reason I apologized, probably out of disappointment. "Don't apologize for trying to love your dad," she said. It was the first time I acknowledged how much I do love him in a while.
So, with fear of what he would say and the probability that he would not listen to me, I called to tell him again that he was very manic and needed to go back to the hospital. He promised that he would and that afternoon checked himself back in. He has never done this before and realizes that he may not be able to control when the mania kicks in or how long it lasts, but he can do this one thing to make sure that he is safe. He acknowledged that he could have spared our family so much heartache if he had only realized this twenty years ago. He even admitted that he and my mom may have not even divorced had he been this proactive all those years ago. For the first time in my life I heard him cry with sincere regret over all that he has lost. All I could do was tell him I love him.
I believe sincerely that it is a miracle he is even alive today. God is working out something truly extraordinary in his life, in mine, and in the life of our family. He is "making all things new" (Rev.21:5). I would never trade my dad or the life I have had because of him. Through all of this, God has consistently shown himself to me and has granted me with the humility to see myself as I truly am--a girl desperately in need of not just a father but the Father.
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