memorial stones

In Joshua 3 God performs yet another miracle for the nation of Israel: He takes them into the promised land (after a grueling forty years in the desert) via the Jordan River. And since God is God, he didn't use a ferryboat to get them all across; he simply parted the waters so they could walk across on dry land. 

In the next chapter God commands them through Joshua to build a memorial out of stones so that "When your children ask their fathers in times to come, 'What do those stones mean?' then you shall let your children know, 'Israel passed over this Jordan on dry ground'" (v. 21-22). It got me thinking: when was the last time I built a memorial to the Lord? 

What do we use nowadays to commemorate the great things the Lord has done for us? I know many people who use their talents and gifts to worship the Lord or bring attention to him. But what about telling our stories? I think that God's intention in having the Israelites build that memorial was exactly what he said it was for: "your children." 

Picture this: a group of kids are out fishing one day to bring home dinner for the family. They go a bit further downstream than they normally do and pass by this huge pile of stones. They inspect it, poking and prodding each stone to see if it will topple over. The brave one climbs on top to show the others how easy it is and that there's nothing to be afraid of. A couple more clamber up, and they are amazed at their new-found play land. They day is quickly coming to an end, so they return home, fish in tow, telling Mom about this cool pile of stones (leaving out the part about climbing atop it) and asking Dad what the pile of stones was all about. Then the fathers and mothers and grandfathers and grandmothers know it is time. They take their children back out to the river and build a bonfire by the stones. So they sit with their children around them and tell the story of how God delivered them. (Note: this brings both worship and attention to the Lord while also honoring his goodness and mercy)

You see, the Lord does not want us to forget. He knew that the Israelites had already forgotten his mighty works and great mercy. He knows that we will do the same. 

No, maybe the problem is not that we literally forget what the Lord did for us back in the day. Maybe the problem is that we forget what it felt like after the deliverance. Have you forgotten the great relief, love, gratitude, joy, and humility you experienced when God delivered you from that impossible situation? Or when he saved your marriage? Or when he gave you that long sought-after gift? Or have you even forgotten what it felt like when Jesus saved you?

And it's no wonder that we forget those feelings. We get so bogged down with the day-to-day that we lose the passion. I do this all too often. Feelings are not intended to be permanent. This is why our relationships don't work well when we base them off of the emotion of the moment (can I get an Amen from a wife out there!). 

That's the reason for the memorial stones. We look upon the big pile of stones and recall the awe we felt when God did that amazing miracle. And in that moment we are able to tell our story with all the magnificence we felt as it first happened. The best part is that the story wasn't just about how God had parted the Jordan; it was also the stories carried over from their parents and grandparents of all that God had done for them in the desert as well as the hardships they'd endured. And I'm sure their stories would spill over into the recent past as they recounted how God had continued to show his greatness in their lives. Our God is an every day miracle worker. 

So maybe a pile of stones in your front yard isn't cool with your HOA. That's okay. We all have talents and creativity in us. Think of the most recent thing the Lord has done for you and get creative. My thing is writing (and you can see some of my memorial stones in the previous post). Remember, these stories are for our children and each other. Build your memorial to honor God's holy name and worship him. "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!" (Psalm 150:6)

the father's forgiveness

So, I wrote this article titled "The Father's Forgiveness," and a website called Beautifully Rooted posted it today. It's the story of forgiveness between my dad and me. I hope that you are blessed through reading it and seek God's brand of forgiveness in your relationships. 

Beautifully Rooted

my cup of joy

I went out and bought myself a new travel coffee mug from Starbucks the other day. I have this old worn-out one and needed something new that will not only not leak coffee onto my shirt when I drink, but also something that would not easily knock over. I tend to be clumsy.

So, I selected a ceramic mug-like container with a handle. It's not a tall, slender model, but it has a low center of gravity so it will stay put even when I nudge it with my elbow. I also like it because of the little green siren on the front. She always looks so calm and happy. I feel pretty happy when I have my coffee, so I thought I'd name it my cup of joy.

Well, just that afternoon Satan tried to knock over my cup of joy. 

What happened was ultimately a trivial matter, but it left me feeling discouraged and looking only at how long this road ahead of us is. The funny thing is, I had just been telling my husband the day before how content and adjusted I felt. I'm finally in a place where I feel at ease with where we are. 

So, I was sitting there struck with this incident that was threatening my joy and peace. My emotional processing usually goes down this track: the immediate reaction, then the blaming, then the thoughts of "Why do I immediately go to the worst response? What is wrong with me? Shouldn't God's joy be in my heart all the time?" And then I feel guilty for not being a "Super Christian."

Sometimes it is me. Sometimes I am holding onto something that is blocking the Holy Spirit from working in my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to hear from God because I think I know what he's going to say and I don't want to hear it. 

But sometimes it's not me. I am still amazed at how quickly I forget that the Enemy wants to steal my joy and that it is one of his main objectives. He will do whatever it takes to hijack our attention from the Lord. 

Scripture tells us to always be aware of the devil for he "prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). That's some pretty vivid language! After Paul reminds us that we are battling "against the spiritual forces of evil," he tells us to "take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand the evil day..." (Ephesians 6:12-13). 

Once I realized what was going on, I stopped thinking and started talking. You see, Satan knows me well. He knows my weaknesses better than almost anyone and will push any button to get me going. But Jesus knows me better. Instead of exploiting my weaknesses, he heals them--pushes through them to show his strength. He is the only one who can do this, the only one who can heal me. 

I prayed aloud something like this: "God, I am feeling overwhelmed and afraid right now. I know these feelings are not from you, for your love casts out fear. God, you are truth. Satan, you have no power here. Lord, stop him from trying to make me believe these lies. You have overcome him and you have overcome the world. Stop my thoughts from going down the wrong path. Holy Spirit, focus my attention on you. Readjust my thinking." 

My favorite piece of the "armor of God" is the sword of the Spirit "which is the word of God" (Eph. 6:17). I just recited as much truth as I could remember and then kind of made a chant of it, saying it again and again until I could feel the Holy Spirit. I'm not sure that it translates here, but when you are in the moment of speaking truth against lies, the peace that replaces the fear is quite overwhelming. Truth is our best offensive weapon when we are being attacked. 

Now, I do want to say that I'm not sure I had a little devil whispering in my ear that night. I know that some of you might even be a little freaked out by my even mentioning this subject. But I did know that some lies that had been embedded in my heart long ago were springing back up and they needed to be dealt with. Speaking (and say it aloud!) truth into lies is always a good thing. 

Sometimes all we need to do is remember whose side we are fighting on. The spiritual battles we fight are tricky, and we need to be mindful of any tendency to allow our thoughts to wander down the wrong path (you know what your wrong path is). Remember that even Jesus spoke truth, or scripture, into lies when he was tempted by Satan (see Matthew 4:1-11). 

Remember the next time you are feeling fearful, angry, or tempted by something you know will cause you to sin that you can tell God about it. Remember that he helps us when we are in these weak spots. He is the one with the power to replace our fear with joy. 

blast zone

God likes to use lots of different things to wake us up to what his plans are. 

At times I feel like he is taking a chisel and delicately removing a piece that doesn't belong. Other times he uses a sledgehammer to knock off a large block. Lately he's been using heavy explosives on me, blasting away almost every part of me. Sometimes it feels like he wants there to be nothing left of me!


And that's exactly what he wants. 


A ridiculous series of events happened this past week between myself and my best friend. Once I actually picked up the phone to talk to her (NOT text) and then quieted my heart before the Lord, I realized that I was, for the most part, unfairly taking out my frustration over my circumstances out on my friend. God really blessed me with a friend like her who still loves me even when I act like a child. With a clear head, I was able to unravel the emotions and events of that week, seeing that the root of the problem was my pride and sense of control. 


Yeah, again. 


A week from today will mark one year since we moved out of our house. I just looked through some old posts, and it is abundantly clear that God has been trying to get me to let go of my need to be in control. In fact, it has been the overall theme of my spiritual walk this year. God keeps showing me secret pockets of control I have tried to hide from him. It's like a person on a diet who stashes Little Debbies in her underwear drawer and other unexpected places. (God knows where the Swiss Rolls are hidden!) But the Lord sees all of my secret hiding spots, and he knows when it's time to reveal the truth to me, the truth that he hates those parts of me and so should I. 




My friend Oswald Chambers wrote about sanctification in My Utmost: "Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the nature that controlled Him will control us" (Feb. 8). He later reminds us that "the Spirit of God will strip me down until there is nothing left but myself..." (July 22). He can say all these things because Jesus tells us in Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate... his own life... he cannot be my disciple." 


I used to feel uncomfortable with these harsh words from our Lord. But now I know what he means. There are times when the truth of my heart is revealed to me and in that moment I am so disgusted with myself that it literally makes me sick. I know in these moments that I am a person in desperate need of a savior. 


It's not that God doesn't want me; actually it is quite the opposite. He wants me amplified, which is me filled with his light and love. That person cannot exist when she still clings to earthly things like her pride and sense of control. The moment I said Yes to Jesus, he started destroying those parts of me. This past year he has worked overtime! But the amazing thing, the reason I believe in his power is that I trust him more and more with the big things and the little things every day. Each time he removes an old lust, I am confirmed in my faith and trust in him. He shows me what he wants to take away, and I realize that I don't want it anyway. And that happens only because his truth is in my heart. 


Are you in the blast zone right now? If you are a follower of Jesus, be comforted! He is giving you the best gift there is: he is taking away your old heart and replacing it with his own. 

idol makers

God commands us in the Bible, way, way back in Exodus, to not make "a carved image" and to not bow down and worship idols, anything but God. An idol is anything that becomes for us an obsession. It takes our thoughts, our energies, our lusts. It can take all of us if we allow it. An idol is anything, physical or intangible, that takes our focus away from the Lord. 


I have dealt with idols before. The sneaky thing about idols is that they usually don't take the form of a "carved image." The idea of having an object that we worship is quite foreign to most Christians. But Christ, above all, wants our hearts. An idol is, therefore, most at home in our hearts.


And once we allow something to take just one ounce of control over our hearts, it can cause serious damage. It will affect our thoughts, then our speech, then our attitude, then our actions. An idol will consume you. 


I recently realized something I had allowed to become an idol in my heart, something that was taking my focus away from God's truth. Our little old house on Country Glen (the one we are currently leasing out) had begun consuming my thoughts. I was constantly thinking about improvements I wanted to make when we move back in. Our bedroom needed a makeover with some new paint and new arrangement of our furniture (which would also be new). I'd do something new with the little loft area, making a reading nook for Savannah. The dining room, kitchen and breakfast area will need a total overhaul--gutted, walls moved, floor removed. A serious renovation. And the backyard. Well, first it's gotta provide some protection from the heat. So we will need to build a structure covering the patio. And of course I'll have the time then to plant that garden I have always wanted. It will be the perfect oasis...


On and on and more intricately detailed than I care to go into my thoughts went. Now, you may be thinking, "What's the harm in dreaming? Isn't it good to have a goal, something to motivate you?" Certainly! And that is what trapped me. I had no idea that my well-intended thoughts and plans had actually taken root in something much more destructive. 


I allowed myself to plan and dream, thinking there was no harm in these thoughts. But they became obsessive. Once I was almost constantly thinking of what I no longer had, I began to feel hopeless and overwhelmed by our debt. When I thought of our house, I saw something we would never again be able to achieve: true home ownership. This is mine. I want it back. 


And the worst part was that my motivation no longer lay in getting out of debt; my single motivation was to get back into MY house. 


The truth is that God wants us to be free from our debt--our bondage to it--more than he wants us to be living in our house again. Working out our financial problems and freeing ourselves from this burden is having major impacts in our spiritual lives. Our marriage has gone through the wringer this year, but we are becoming closer and building a trust between each other we never previously had. We are learning to face our financial problems instead of neglecting them. We are accepting the fact that our money, possessions, and lives belong only to God. And we are reaching our personal "bottoms" and realizing that God is still all powerful and is able to be our strength when we want to give up. 


The house, while it is tangible, is not eternal. Where is my joy? Where is my hope? It is not in a building. God's goal is not to make me happy, but to make me holy. If I want what he wants for me, I will redirect my thoughts and my motivation. I will let him do what he wants to do in my life and give over the reigns of my heart. Lord, please take it again. 

home economics: part 2

In my last post, I promised a couple of “neat and nerdy” things to share. Welcome, nerds! If you haven’t read the previous post (home economics: part 1) I recommend it because it will provide the foundational explanation for these tools. I hope you find these ideas useful!

1. This has calmed my heartburn—our laminated ledger:

I created this in Word and got it blown up, printed, and laminated at Office Depot for under $5. And, yes, it is on the refrigerator. The concept is that after we sit down and do our two-week budget in our Excel spreadsheet, we write down how much money we've set aside in each "category" (bills, groceries, entertainment, personal care, etc.). Then, at the end of every day, we will deduct our spending (how much, where, date) from the various categories. And finally we will keep a running balance of what remains in each category. 

There are two main reasons we like this: it provides a perfect avenue for planning and accountability. Remember that since we’re doing a bi-weekly budget and having regular budget meetings, we are talking and planning together (see previous post).

This tool also soothes both of our biggest stressors. Chaz's biggest need is to be able to see what bills are being paid and when and how much money we have remaining in a certain category. My biggest need is to put pen to paper. I tried using Mint.com, and, while it is a great tool, I realized I am an old-school kind of gal. I have to do the math with a calculator and write down my spending like in the old checkbook ledgers our parents used. I know that you can do this with the envelope system (a la Dave Ramsey), but we found that that didn't work for us because we would move cash around to other categories too easily, and it left little accountability to one another because we had separate envelope systems (but this is a great system if you are on your own or if you and your spouse are very diligent about checking the balances together). Anyway, seeing it all up there on the refrigerator makes it real and helps us to stay accountable to one another. 

So far we both feel better emotionally knowing what is going where and actually seeing it on paper. We've been talking about our money more, and not in those long-winded, heated conversations, but the short ones in which a decision is quickly made. We’re three weeks in and, as stated earlier, it’s calmed some anxiety. I do have a clean copy of this in Word if you'd like one to manipulate to suit your needs. 

2. Warning! This might make your mind explode—our two-week menu:

Two years ago my mother-in-law proposed the idea of writing out a weekly menu so that I could be less stressful come dinnertime. I scoffed at the idea at first, but as we became poorer, I saw it as a way to save trips to the grocery store thereby saving money. 

I've been planning a weekly menu for several months now, also planning my once-a-week grocery store trip around it. But I've noticed several hiccups in this plan. First, I did it alone and I hate planning meals, so this was always a source of stress for me. Second, I found that many of the things I'd buy, especially meat in bulk (cheaper) would last more than just one week. I'd end up going over budget for one week and into another week with groceries. This isn't necessarily bad, but it didn't all add up on paper and that drove me crazy. Third, Chaz would always want things that I didn't get because I didn't know he wanted them, so he'd end up going on his own for "a few things" and come back home with ten. Arguments ensued over pickles. That's just silly!

Now the plan is that I will make only ONE main grocery store trip in a two-week period (this includes toiletries, paper, and cleaning products). Chaz and I sat down after our budget meeting and planned a two-week menu. This was so much easier than going it alone because my sweet husband enjoys cooking and being part of deciding what's for dinner. I know not everyone is so lucky, but I encourage you to try it anyway--you might find it to be fun! 

It made so much sense because I try to buy meats in bulk, so we always end up using the meat into the next week (bag it and freeze it). The menu planning became easy as he rattled off possible meals and I filled in the days on paper. It was clear that a bulk package of pork chops could last us at least three meals, so I spread the days out in between and the two weeks started filling up fast. 

I'll note that as we decided on the meals, we consulted the weekly grocery ads everyone gets in the mail. We found that a few of our staples were cheaper at HEB because of some deals going on, and a few things were cheaper at Kroger. I mainly shop at Kroger because it's closer and I can get their online coupons and fuel points for gas. 

All in all, we spent $130 LESS than our average grocery spending in the first two-week period that we tried this strategy. We’ve made a great start on this next period, so I’ll let you know how that goes, too.

I truly hope that these ideas spark creativity within your inner nerd. And remember that this is not as much about pinching pennies as it is about managing your resources. 

home economics: part 1

I've never been much in the area of home-making, but this past week I finally broke down and did some really crazy things: I planned a two-week dinner menu; I "shopped" the grocery store ads for the best deals; and I--da, da, daaaaa!--clipped coupons. I didn't go all crazy on the coupon thing (someone please direct me to the nearest mental hospital if I start hauling a 3-inch wide coupon binder to the store). I will say that as mundane and tiring all of that seems, I completely enjoyed it. I will even say that I felt liberated. Let me explain. 


A couple weeks ago, Chaz and I started our budget anew. We began with a clean slate on how we will now approach our budgeting. I'm going to share our new strategies with you because I know many of you are living on one income or are very conscious of your budget, but please be aware that none of these concepts are new; I got all of these ideas from several different places. For the most part I have tried different things for a while until I found they didn't work for us for whatever reason. The main thing I'd like to communicate in this post is this: find what works for you and your family. Communicate with your spouse and always be honest about your finances. Don't hide anything! Marriage is hard enough without hiding that $36 you spent at Wal-Mart on beer, candy, and a few DVDs from the $5 bin. Seriously. And just remember that if you don't get real with your spouse about your financial situation then you'll end up LIKE US!!! Don't do it!!! 


First, we realized that we did not have regular conversations about our money and where it was going. Our discussions usually came about because something bad was about to happen and one of us just wanted to give the other a "head's up." Well, that's no way to live, especially when you don't have money to spare. So, our first strategy was to plan a regular meeting time to work on our budget. Don't let the "b" word scare you! A budget is simply an organized way of telling your money where to go. We decided that the best time for us to do this is every other Friday afternoon after Chaz gets paid; he gets home early from work on Fridays, so this gives us ample time to work together.


Second, we decided that during this "budget meeting" we must talk about our budget. It's a fairly well-known concept that in each relationship there is a tightwad and a free spirit. I am the tightwad in this marriage. Usually, I would plug all our bills and planned expenses into my Excel spreadsheet and assume Chaz would look at it. I did most of the planning, and we never really consulted each other about the details of our budget. Then I'd get mad when he spent money that hadn't been allocated in our budget. It was really dumb to call it "our" budget when I was the only one who knew about it (just another control issue I have). We did lots of other stupid things mainly because we didn't talk about our money on a regular basis. Now I am still plugging everything into the spreadsheet, but I tell Chaz what bill is due when and for how much. Then we decide together how much we'll need to set aside for other expenses like groceries, clothes, entertainment, etc. And we decide how much extra to put toward our debt at the beginning of the pay period instead of waiting to see how much we have left, because if we wait the money will get spent. And as a side note, I'm the one who does all this figuring and data-mining because I'm simply more of a nerd, and I enjoy doing it. But I found that I enjoy it more now because we are working together and we're on the same page. 


And on another side note, if you are on a seriously tight budget with no wiggle room like we are, realize that talking together is your best chance of survival. It may begin awkwardly. You may get all tense and want to punch a hole in the wall. There may even be heated arguments. But talk about it anyway. Eventually, as you work through these things together, you will become a team. 




Third, we decided to do all of this on a bi-weekly basis because Chaz gets paid every other week. So our budget and all the subcategories are only planned for two weeks. It just makes sense for us. One really nifty thing about budgeting within a shorter time frame is that it becomes easier to plan for all those little surprises that usually kill your budget (birthdays, bringing snack for group, having people over for dinner, date night, etc.). So, even if you get paid only once a month, I'd encourage you to try budgeting on a shorter time frame for a while. Maybe it will end up making your budgeting simpler. 


I know that most of this probably comes to you as a humongous "DUH!!", but we truly didn't know how important all this was until we hit bottom. I'd say we are currently about two feet from the bottom and I don't know how far it is until we get to the top, but at least we've begun climbing out of our pit. And for others, planning in this way seems like a nightmare. I promise that as you budget and plan you will find it becomes second nature. And you'll really get motivated when you find all the money you save when you tell your money where to go. 


I've got a couple more neat and nerdy things to share with you, but I will put those in separate posts, as this is about to get too long. One last thing before I end: a couple days ago I had a really, really bad day. It was just one of those days where I wanted to give up and say "screw it all." Lots of things happened that caused these feelings, and I won't go into them. But after lots and lots of prayer and getting some encouragement from my best friend who has walked with me through this past year, I felt better and had a good day. And another good day. Remember that the bad days will feel like they are going to suck the very marrow from your bones, but a good day will come again. Ask the Lord to remind you of his truth and what he has brought you through already. He is faithful!

just like mom

When I was a kid I knew a few things for sure: I knew my favorite color was blue; I knew that God loved me; I LOVED reading and writing stories (usually about horses); and I knew that I wanted to grow up to be nothing like my mom. 


Now, don't get me wrong, my mom was a wonderful woman and great mother. She loved my brother and me with a fierce devotion--fierce. She was spontaneous and loved surprises. Some of my favorite moments with her centered around jaunts to TCBY for a special treat (maybe that doesn't seem super-spontaneous to you, but we didn't have a lot of money). She loved to have fun and sing, specifically Oldies in our beat-up Mercury. She was silly; my mom at her silliest acted like a puppy, crawling into my room on hands and knees, whimpering that she was sorry for doing whatever or sorry that I was feeling sad. And my favorite thing about her was the way she made us feel special. I fondly remember notes in my lunch box and special "dates" we would have individually with her. 


But, like most mothers, she had her flaws. One of the biggest things that got under my skin was how she could just air her feelings to anyone and everyone, it seemed, without a care in the world. She would tell anyone about her problems, past or present, and not in a "please feel sorry for me" way but just because that's what came naturally. She was an open book. I have vivid memories of her re-hashing a former marriage or our current financial struggles to complete strangers. And even to a mom while we were on a field trip--right in front of me, nonetheless! I cowered and moved away from her slowly, hoping that my classmates would not compute that she was my mom. 


So, I think about my mom's ability and sometimes urgency to be so frank with others about her life and I realize that, oh crap, I'm turning out to be just like her. Obviously, this blog is proof of that. Recently, I even caught myself striking up a conversation about debt with a check-out lady at the grocery store. My mom totally did that and it embarrassed the crap out of me! So, I don't know if it's becoming a mother, getting older (I'll be 30 this year, whoop!), or just living through the craziness of this past year, but I am officially turning into my mom. I wonder how much more I would be like her if she'd been with us the past twelve years. 


And I see more than just the frankness--I see the silliness, too. I'm not too spontaneous, though. And I'm not sure how it will turn out, but I hope to have all of that fierce devotion to Savannah. And I do love to sing to the Oldies whenever I can find them. 



So, here's to my mom, Diane. I love you and miss you. And here's to all my girlfriends who never wanted to be like their moms--let's hold on to their best qualities and let's embarrass our kids every chance we get! 

changing our legacy

I’ve been thinking recently about the legacy we leave. This has been prompted by many things: our current financial condition, our daughter turning a year old, and a personal longing to be a more giving individual.

The past few weeks have brought on some financial “surprises” for us. The problem is that these things shouldn’t have been surprises; we should have not only expected them but already taken care of them—they have been a long time coming. After the last “surprise,” Chaz and I both hit our bottom. Interestingly though, we aren’t angry or consumed by fear; we are just overwhelmingly disappointed in ourselves (this is definitely growth for me). We have finally accepted our own disgustingly poor handling of our money, and we are ready to truly make the changes necessary for getting out of this awful hole of debt and insecurity.

I did shed some tears, though. But this time it was not about my fear of how we were going to pay for these things or anger at my poor husband. I cried because I thought of my sweet Savannah and what we are leaving to her. A legacy of financial distress is something I never, ever wanted to leave my child.

I grew up in financial distress—growing up in a single-parent home in which the only income is a disability check will do that to you. My mom did the best she could, but her stress always overflowed onto my brother and me. We both knew when bills were due and what we wouldn't be able to pay. We both knew not to ask for certain things. There were even a few times we went to the food pantry. I didn't know you could live on a budget or save money; to me, money was bad. I believe this is the main reason I’ve had such a difficult time taking responsibility for my own financial fate. In a twisted way, I believed ignoring the problems really would make them go away because I certainly was not capable of fixing them. What good financial decisions could a person with my family history possibly make?

Now I realize that this type of thinking is shrouded in lies and fear. It was a huge mistake on my part to buy into this mindset, and it has ruined my financial legacy thus far. However, God redeems the mess of our broken legacy and our mistakes, and I know that he is transforming Chaz’s and my thinking each day. He is enabling us to create a new legacy for our family.

I know this promise is true because God has already done it in my life. Last Sunday at church, I was reminded of this. Our church is currently doing a campaign to raise money so that we can expand our main building and build a permanent campus for a branch-out church location. The campaign is to last two years, and Chaz and I decided to commit a certain amount of money above our tithe to it. And we’re doing this because we want to, by the way.

Anyway, I was nervous about placing our commitment because it is a promise, and this is a challenging time for us to make financial promises. But at this point I am more concerned about a heart change. Paying our debt is definitely an obligation, but I no longer see it as a burden. It has become for us an opportunity to grow in the way we handle our finances and in the way we trust God to provide. I feel confident that as God has been changing my perception of paying off our debt, he will also change my perception on giving.

As the service closed last Sunday, we sang a song called “The Stand.” For me, this song holds special meaning. I sang this song to God about five years ago, telling him that I would give up my own failed attempts to forgive my dad. I was tired of lost attempts to change my own heart and finally realized that God was the only one who could fix me. So, as the song goes, I promised God that I would do what he wanted me to do for "all I am is Yours.” God fulfilled his promise to me, enabling me to forgive my dad and to love him no matter what it cost me.

God made it possible for me to break a cycle of unforgiveness that has tainted my family for generations. I knew that when I forgave my dad, I was creating a new legacy for my family. What a precious example of God’s love and ability to redeem!

So, that song reminded me how God has transformed my once hardened heart. It was a promise and personal guarantee that he will do it again. He will show Chaz and me how to create a new legacy of financial responsibility and overflowing generosity because we trust him.

And because he loves us. 

finally! a new post :)

Well, it's been a while since I've written, so pardon me while I work out the kinks :)


We have turned a corner as a family this past week--Chaz got a new job! Praise the Lord! He's been waiting for this job to come through since January, and lots of people have helped us in prayer. It is so good to see the waiting finally be rewarded! Not only is he getting a pay increase, but he's also finished every day at 5:30 and has the weekends off! I am most grateful for the time he'll get at home. Also, now we should be able to get back on track and make our plan of getting out of debt become more and more possible. 


However, the past few months have been so difficult, and the financial strain brought out an ugly, selfish person that I thought was long gone. It's more clear to me now how much work it takes to cling to Jesus and focus on loving your husband during difficult times. 


It's true that hard times bring on a more earnest walk with the Lord. But I was also reminded of the ongoing spiritual battle in my head. There were times I caved to the negative thoughts directed toward our situation and mostly toward Chaz. I felt pitiful and weak as I allowed my selfish tantrum to go on and especially terrible when I didn't do anything to stop it. I pouted, cried, and screamed. I blamed. And when I was done, I slunk to Jesus and begged forgiveness. Each time I did this (yes, there was more than just one time) he showed me a bit of his perspective, specifically on my husband. 


The last tantrum I had was thankfully short. By that time I had figured out that I needed two things: prayer and someone to pray for me. There is something about it that just lifts the burden from my heart. The timing was also perfect because we had church that night and it was the Wednesday before Easter, which at our church is always an awesome time of worship. Pretty much from the moment I unclenched my jaw enough to start singing, Jesus convicted me. 


He painted a very clear portrait of the love I was withholding from my husband. My actions, words, and attitude over the past few months had been all but loving. He showed me that desperately selfish part of myself that is only willing to love if my standards are met. I hadn't seen that part of me in a while, and I was sad that it still existed. But Jesus doesn't only convict--he forgives and cleanses. I got some of that as well. 


I wanted to share this because I want you do two things. First, recognize the spiritual battle going on. Sometimes it is obvious but most of the time the Enemy will launch a grenade that you don't see coming, usually from your past. Something you thought was long gone. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:9). Don't let this thing overpower you! Enlist forces to help you. 


Make sure you have someone with whom to confess your battles. It should be a person that will always speak to you in truth and not egg you on--someone who gives you a mirror, not a sword. "...confess your sins to one another and pray for one another... the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working" (James 5:16). 


I think there is always a little part of our "former selves" still in us, even as redeemed believers. There will be until we are made perfect before the Lord. Remember that God will use this part of us to change us and make us more like himself. More than anything God wants us to come to him to be renewed. 

new job

I’ve been thinking for a while about the subject of work and my attitude in it. I kept rewriting this post until it finally clicked with me today what God wants me to understand and probably has wanted me to understand for some time now. At first I thought this post would be more exclusively for stay-at-home moms, but I now realize it is for all of us who work and who desire our work to bring glory to the Lord. I hope you will find something new to ponder as you read.

My understanding of work has always stemmed from the jobs I’ve had. I have worked almost 100% consistently from age 15 at various jobs--retail, restaurants, odd jobs on my college campus, and then my short-lived but rigorous career as a teacher. For me, work was always task-driven, and I viewed each job through tasks that I needed to accomplish. Then I became a stay-at-home mom and everything changed. I can vividly remember rocking with Savannah as a newborn and in my postpartum haze thinking "Is this it? Is this what my life is going to be about now?" 

I know now that a mixture of pain meds, lack of sleep, and jacked up hormones really played into that thinking, but the concept lingered way past the postpartum stage. All I could envision was the menial tasks of diaper changing, picking up the house, washing dishes and laundry, grocery shopping, and then starting the cycle anew each day. So my new job was still task-driven, but it wasn’t enough for me anymore. And then I would envision this idyllic mother and wife who took joy in each task and poured her heart into it all. I saw a woman that I would never live up to.

I am finally accepting that my decision to stay home was not a decision to sign-off from a "real" job for a time; this is my new job, and it is exposing character flaws that I used to hide with a long to-do list from my old career as a teacher. There was always something to be done, and the faster I got it done the faster I could move on to the next thing. I see now that as I began to treat each task as an assignment, I lost track of those to whom I was assigned—my students, those I was called by God to instruct and serve. At that time, I was not strong enough to pull myself out of the drudgery, and I did not truly seek God’s help in restoring my perspective. I was in a mire of quicksand and sinking fast with no willpower to reach for the rope I was offered. I wanted to give so much more of myself to my students, but I was never able.

If I am not careful I will lose myself again in the drudgery of menial tasks and forget that the only thing that stands in the way of my new job becoming the same to me as my old job is my willingness to let Christ renew my mind and attitude daily.

A couple of recent devotions from My Utmost caught my attention in this area. The first was about serving, and as I read I felt a stirring in my heart. It was an actual physical feeling, not just emotional, and I knew God was speaking. "Here" is all I sensed, and as I continued to read I looked at the words in light of my service in my home: "Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket--to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted--not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?" (Chambers Feb. 5). I’d like to think that I am capable of this type of service, but as I chewed on this idea I would only despair and think “How in the world can anyone do that? I’m just not cut out for it. My heart is not big enough.”

Today’s devotion helped things click. Chambers writes about Christ’s example of servant-hood when he washes the feet of his disciples in John 13. Chambers writes, “In some cases the way a person does a task makes that work sanctified and holy forever. It may be a very common everyday task, but after we have seen it done, it becomes different. When the Lord does something through us, He always transforms it” (Feb. 19). God showed me what I have been seeking. I want to find in this job what I never found in my old job—how those tiresome, everyday tasks become transformed into joyous acts of service. It’s a sort of theme that you see few people live by, but it forever impresses you when you see it. You know something is different in that person. You know that their driving force, their inspiration is something you want.

As I searched the scriptures for references to “servant,” I found that the act of service is always tied to love. 1 Peter 4:10 implies that giving of ourselves does not come naturally: “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace… whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies.” In this passage Paul is specifically writing about spiritual gifts which only come from God, but I think that any act of service must be done with God’s help if we are to do it to his glory. The Proverbs 31 wife, the seemingly unreachable pinnacle of womanhood, “works with willing hands” (Prov. 31:13). It is clear throughout scripture that if we are to make our clenched, unwilling hands willing, we must rely on the power of Christ’s redemption to transform them. Will I allow the Holy Spirit to transform my daily tasks into acts of love? Will I let him impart to me a sense of duty that is not driven by mere obligation but by a desire to serve?

None of what I am hoping to learn is easy. Jesus told us that the way is narrow. But we are made able through Him. Each small task of service to another is witness to Christ’s transforming love in our lives. Lord, make our hearts big enough. Burn this love into our hearts and allow it to move through us as we live each day to serve you. 

managing money and love

I realize the title of this post might offend some--specifically the young in love. How could one possibly manage love or equate the management of money with love? Well, I will try to explain my meaning with, of course, another real-life example. 


Times have been hard and lean in the Williams' household as most of you know. Since we moved out of our house, we have made some very small strides in paying down our debt, but we still haven't quite figured out this whole idea of managing our money. It is yet unfamiliar territory, and the Lord had to pull out the big guns to show us what this is all about. Christmastime is usually a stressful financial season for many, and we were not spared that stress this year. It hit us hard--specifically traveling back home. That trip is always expensive. But that was expected; there were some curve balls thrown our way these past couple months. 


Out of a sense of decorum, I will not hash out all the details over our biggest money-fight to date. And Chaz and I don't fight--we have discussions. Feelings were bruised on both sides--I was hurt by some things he did and in my anger lashed back with some of the most hurtful words I have ever spoken to my spouse. He left feeling deeply wounded while I felt vindicated, at least until I talked to Jesus about it. 


I had every intention of confronting Chaz about my hurt feelings in a controlled and loving way. He did need to hear what I had to say. I asked a wise friend how to confront him and read from Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife about how to confront my husband in a loving spirit before we actually sat down to talk. But in the heat of the moment I lost it; and as I allowed the flesh to take over, I also lost some of the great things I have worked on building up in my marriage. 


Now, I know nothing is beyond repair. We have already made-up. But I want to write to you about seeing our marriage from that ground zero-ish perspective. There are some things in life I regret. I wish that I hadn't had to learn those lessons from coming out of a mistake, but that's just the way life is. So in my post-fight silence I talked to Jesus--more like sat before him until the anger went away. Then he showed me some things about my marriage and my attitude toward my husband that I had been talking about doing but had not truly done. He showed me that our financial issues are a fog masking small cracks in our marriage. I now know a bigger reason why the Lord called me to quit my job and stay at home with my family: the financial strain being put on us is revealing the small cracks in the foundation. 


In a marriage you cannot always meet each other's needs. Sometimes you try your best and still fail. I think financial problems are listed as the number one cause for divorce in our nation because you have two people heaping their expectations onto one another as well as themselves, and in those mountains of unmet expectations one can no longer see the bottom. It becomes too much to dig up, and so each leaves feeling empty. 


I know Chaz and I have probably not seen the worst of our financial problems. But I do pray that as we set our goals together and continue to look to how God wants us to live we will keep in mind some important lessons that I hope you keep in mind as well:


1. Money (or the lack thereof) is not the issue. What expectations am I heaping onto my husband? Are they reasonable? Can I adjust them in some way? What do I need to give to the Lord instead of demanding it of my husband?


2. I am called to love and respect my husband. Even though my anger may have been justified (I think), I still need to spend MUCH time before the Lord speaking to Him about my anger BEFORE I go to my husband so that the Lord can "temper [my words] with His Spirit" (Omartian 35). For "when we live by the power of God rather than our flesh, we don't have to strive for power with our words. 'For the kingdom of God is not in word but in power' (1 Corinthians 4:20)" (Omartian 36). Don't you find that when you go before the Lord he tempers, or softens, your heart? Sometimes as wives we don't want to be softened before going to our husbands but toughened, as if a man would more readily respect that hardness. But you know these kinds of words only create further strife. God's way is narrow and difficult because he calls us to do the opposite of what we desire. He will reveal to you things you couldn't know about your relationship with a hardened, angry heart, and he will show you how to speak in love and respect. 


3. These times of hardship are here for a reason. While we did get ourselves into this predicament, God does not waste a challenging season of life. His will is simply that we will know him more. He always chooses to reveal himself to us. Will we choose to look to him, not asking him to fix our mess, but to show us more of himself? 


As I wrote earlier, nothing is beyond repair. Please know, however, that we are neither in dire straits nor is our marriage on the brink of collapse! I just tend to think really deeply about this sort of stuff. Pray with us that we won't just "tough out" these hard times but that we will live them and remember always to look to our God who is "making all things new."