This morning I made a big mess in my pantry:
I had stupidly been storing flour in a zipper storage bag. As you can see, my pantry is very deep so stuff tends to get lost back there. This gallon-sized bag of flour was one of those lost items. When I went to retrieve it, I pulled it out by the bottom (mistake #2) and behold the mess! This picture was taken after I pulled out more stuff that was in front of and under the mess. More was on the floor.
I sent a picture to my friend who asked if the bag had exploded. It certainly did look that way. But no, I explained to her what happened and likened it to a slow leak. When I got to the back of the shelf, I realized that flour had probably been coming out of the bag for a while. But nobody noticed because it wasn't doing any real harm in the deep, dark back of the pantry.
It wasn't too long before God started connecting the dots for me.
Disclaimer: I don't like to use extended metaphors, but this one just screamed to be used. Bear with me, please.
In my last post, I wrote about how my heart had been leaking junk for quite a while before I noticed any real problem. Since I started addressing the actual heart problem before God, He began pulling out items here and there. And when He finally got to the source of the leak and began the long process of pulling it out of the dark (which is far from over), I began grieving over the mess.
I grieve because I know how these things go. When God chooses to use something to refine me, especially this particular issue, I know the process will be long and difficult.
It took me about 30 minutes and a trip to Wally World to clean up the flour mess:
I certainly felt a measure of victory over the disorganization, especially since I have had it on my "to do" list for some time.
But I know God has depths of knowledge and insight to reveal to me on my real problems. And He won't do it in 30 minutes.
As much as I would like my emotional life to be nice and tidy like my pantry, or even more so, God is showing me that no part of our lives ever fit into airtight containers or tiny bins (yes, the metaphor is killing me too, but I can't help it!). And very few things are black and white, especially when it comes to such things as emotions and relationships.
But I want desperately for certain things to fit in a box. I want definition. I want the straight path.
God keeps reminding me that life isn't like that. We live in a fallen world where things are not as they should be.
So, I'm starting the painful process of letting go of an ideal. I don't know where it will take me, and that's pretty much part of the package. But I do know that the Lord will be there with me, whispering truths to me when I call on Him or using the piercing sword of His word when I refuse to listen. And I know, as Job, that God "knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold" (Job 23:10). I can take this truth to the bank.
I am thankful to have a Savior that left the Heavenly places for a while so that He could understand things like messes in the pantry and confusing emotions and broken relationships. I am thankful that His death made a way for me to climb up and pull on His ear.
And I am thankful that He loves me through it all.
"Hello, my name is Christy and I curse badly when I'm alone and have a tendency towards angry outbursts." Nice to meet you.
Don't you just wish we could all greet one another like we were in a perpetual AA meeting so that we could stop pretending to have it all together? You don't? Yeah, I guess I don't either.
But it is helpful to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16), and I suppose this is one of my outlets for doing so. So, you'll have to just bear with me.
I've had a pretty rough past couple months sprinkled with some joyous moments. Unfortunately, the rough moments slightly outweighed the joyful ones. I thought I had been handling my emotions pretty well through it all, but today I realized some junk has been seeping through the cracks of my heart and revealing that I'm not in as much control as I had thought.
The junk (i.e. what I opened with) has been getting a little out of hand, okay a lot out of hand lately. The other day I finally went to the Lord about it all. My opening line was the first red flag: "I thought I was handling my emotions pretty well." And God, as he is wont to do when we come to him with repentant hearts, pushed through that and showed me the I's in that statement. Where was he?
As I fumbled and finally broke down halfway through the prayer, God pulled scripture to mind: "From the depths of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Yes, something was jacked up in my heart, but what was it? I was handling everything well, wasn't I? My eyes locked in on the devotion from Jesus Calling I had read that morning which read, "Remember that I take great delight in you."
Great delight? No, not great delight in my sin. Not great delight in my feeling wretched in that moment or in my tears. He takes great delight in my drawing in close to him, my confiding in him, my need for him to fix my brokenness. He takes great delight in us.
See, I hadn't been spending much time with him lately. And, believe it or not, God is jealous for our love. So he allowed me to go my own way in "handling" my emotions until I realized my foolishness and came back to him.
This is the constant battle I have with myself--controlling my thoughts, emotions, overall life versus allowing God to control my thoughts, emotions, and life. The very idea that I could handle on my own all the emotionally brutal events from the past couple months is simply ridiculous. I know part of why it feels satisfying to hold everything together is something that's been with me since childhood. But part of it--even if it is a very small part--also has to do with thinking that keeping control of all of my junk somehow shows others what a good Christian I am. I am sure I'm not the only one who does this.
And that leads me back to my wonderful Savior. You see, he does not delight in my putting all my emotions in a neat box. He does not delight in my venting my pain through channels that the world deems as normal and acceptable.
He delights in my coming to him as an absolute broken-down mess. He delights in my confession of sin and pain and doubt because he knows exactly how I feel and exactly how to fix me. He delights in my turning away from my idol of self-reliance to nestle in his lap. He delights simply in our being together.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. --Psalm 16-19
God likes to use lots of different things to wake us up to what his plans are.
At times I feel like he is taking a chisel and delicately removing a piece that doesn't belong. Other times he uses a sledgehammer to knock off a large block. Lately he's been using heavy explosives on me, blasting away almost every part of me. Sometimes it feels like he wants there to be nothing left of me!
And that's exactly what he wants.
A ridiculous series of events happened this past week between myself and my best friend. Once I actually picked up the phone to talk to her (NOT text) and then quieted my heart before the Lord, I realized that I was, for the most part, unfairly taking out my frustration over my circumstances out on my friend. God really blessed me with a friend like her who still loves me even when I act like a child. With a clear head, I was able to unravel the emotions and events of that week, seeing that the root of the problem was my pride and sense of control.
Yeah, again.
A week from today will mark one year since we moved out of our house. I just looked through some old posts, and it is abundantly clear that God has been trying to get me to let go of my need to be in control. In fact, it has been the overall theme of my spiritual walk this year. God keeps showing me secret pockets of control I have tried to hide from him. It's like a person on a diet who stashes Little Debbies in her underwear drawer and other unexpected places. (God knows where the Swiss Rolls are hidden!) But the Lord sees all of my secret hiding spots, and he knows when it's time to reveal the truth to me, the truth that he hates those parts of me and so should I.
My friend Oswald Chambers wrote about sanctification in My Utmost: "Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the nature that controlled Him will control us" (Feb. 8). He later reminds us that "the Spirit of God will strip me down until there is nothing left but myself..." (July 22). He can say all these things because Jesus tells us in Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate... his own life... he cannot be my disciple."
I used to feel uncomfortable with these harsh words from our Lord. But now I know what he means. There are times when the truth of my heart is revealed to me and in that moment I am so disgusted with myself that it literally makes me sick. I know in these moments that I am a person in desperate need of a savior.
It's not that God doesn't want me; actually it is quite the opposite. He wants me amplified, which is me filled with his light and love. That person cannot exist when she still clings to earthly things like her pride and sense of control. The moment I said Yes to Jesus, he started destroying those parts of me. This past year he has worked overtime! But the amazing thing, the reason I believe in his power is that I trust him more and more with the big things and the little things every day. Each time he removes an old lust, I am confirmed in my faith and trust in him. He shows me what he wants to take away, and I realize that I don't want it anyway. And that happens only because his truth is in my heart.
Are you in the blast zone right now? If you are a follower of Jesus, be comforted! He is giving you the best gift there is: he is taking away your old heart and replacing it with his own.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about prayer. I have always thought highly of the so-called "prayer warriors" and think often of the life of prayer, the life that lives inside the prayers that our Lord hears.
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers is my favorite devotion. I keep going back to it year after year. If you've never read it consistently, I highly recommend it for its concise yet thought-provoking messages each day. The past few days the devotions have been about prayer, so I wanted to share my thoughts on what Chambers wrote. He begins by writing on our circumstances and how they are not by chance but that "God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you." He goes on to write, "Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them" (November 7). I have been in this agonizing situation many, many times. I not only agonize over how I should act physically, but also over how I should pray and what I should pray for.
While God is uncannily complex and our comprehension of him is minuscule, his directives for us are always simple. The Lord has been dealing with me lately about my heart toward my husband. I catch myself agonizing over how I should pray for him or how I should act on his behalf or what I should say or do to get him to do something I want. Usually my desires are good things, Godly things, but the way in which I want these things to be accomplished is selfish and manipulative, namely because it is my way of making it happen. It is possible sometimes to manipulate other people, but it is not possible to manipulate God.
So, when I think about how I try to manipulate my husband (really, we all do it), I think this haunting question: What kind of wife am I? Negative phrases pop into my mind: nagging, takes control too much (making a budget without consulting him), bothered by silly, unimportant things (bottle incident from two posts ago), doesn't see my husband for who he is now as opposed to who I want him to be. Obviously this last thing is the most dangerous. My greatest flaw is that I hold many people in my life to impossibly high standards, including myself. Now, the Lord has done MUCH in my life to heal me of this behavior, but at times I do still struggle with it. We hurt the ones we love the most, right? So for me that would be Chaz. He gets the brunt of bad moods and the leftovers of my sinful behavior. He really does see all the nasty stuff about me, which makes me grateful that he still chooses to love me.
The Lord had to take me down a notch this past week (and don't we all love it when that happens?). I had been brandishing my sword of self-righteousness atop my horse named Pride when a Godly woman showed me where I had strayed in my thinking on a certain issue regarding my husband. There are too many times that I believe I have the right answer for the ones I love. I know what God wants to do for them (Yes, it's okay to point and gasp at the crazy woman). You see, I have to be reminded that I am not the arbiter of right and wrong or the dispenser of God's word for others. I am not. He is.
If I believe, truly believe, that God's vision for my loved ones and for myself is good, then I will trust him to make things happen--and these are not necessarily the things I want but what God wants. I will bring my concerns to him, lay them at the cross, and take comfort in knowing that "the Spirit himself makes intercession for [me] with groanings which cannot be uttered" (Romans 8:26). If I can keep my mind clear of that sin which so dominates my thought life, the sin of control, then I can rest in the knowledge that my God just has it. He has the people and the circumstances that I don't. When I give up my death-grip to him, he can free my hands to acts of love and service toward others, including my husband. When my grip is loosened, my heart is free to love without the boundaries I put up--the Holy Spirit acting through me. And it is really just about love, isn't it?
If there is anything you take away from this post, I hope that you ask God who or what you are keeping under a death-grip. Who is it that the Lord is calling you to release into his care? Who is it that you could love so much more freely if the worry over your relationship was gone? What amazing leap of faith could the Lord call you to take if your heart was no longer anxious over a certain situation? Remind yourself that God has it, so leave it with him.
A time I remember feeling utterly out of control and helpless was when my mom was going through her first rounds of chemo. We were staying with my grandparents and each had our own list of chores. My chore was to wash the dishes after breakfast each morning. One morning, however, I slept in and missed breakfast. My grandpa ended up doing the dishes for me.
I completely freaked out and locked myself in the bathroom. I turned on the water and the vent and crouched on the floor and cried. I literally thought I was going crazy. My mom knocked on the door gently to ask if I was okay, and of course I lied. I always went to her treatment with her, but on that day my mom said I should stay home and record "The Young and the Restless" so we could watch it later together.
I didn't figure it out until much later. The reason I broke down that day was because the one, albeit small, thing I could control was taken from me. The dishes were "my" responsibility, and I took care of them perfectly. My mom was sick, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I could not make her feel better when she threw up; I could not keep her hair from falling out; and I could not, in any true sincerity, tell her that everything was going to be all right. I finally realized how fragile life was.
Several people I know, including myself, are dealing with uncontrollable illnesses in their families right now. Jesus is the One true Physician, and although my mom was sick until the very end, He welcomed her renewed in body and spirit into His kingdom. Please pray with me for family and friends who are dealing with illnesses. For those dealing with the illness, pray that God would show himself in the fullness of his grace to them through their illness. For family and friends, pray for the same thing. We all need the opportunity to see how fragile this life is and accept that there is One who will "wipe away every tear" and who is "making all things new" (Revelation 21:4-5).
Do you ever feel like you are going insane? I have felt that way several times during the past few weeks.
The stress of living out of our suitcases (or, rather, piles of clothes on a closet floor) will get to me in the most mundane moments of my day. For example: I walk upstairs for the umpteenth time to get a few diapers before I leave the house, but instead I go to the bathroom and then walk back downstairs sans diapers. For that little brain lapse I threw whatever was in my hand across the room... don't worry, it was just chap stick, not the baby.
Mostly I can look back on these moments (and trust me, the chap stick incident was tame compared to some of the others) and laugh at how silly and childish I behaved. But I think the Lord is trying to make me see these moments differently. My tolerance for anything that makes my life more inconvenient than it already is is very low which, in turn, makes my anger level high. The smallest things can throw me into a mini tantrum. I think that only my dog or Savannah and sometimes my husband see these tantrums, but when I added up all of these outbursts I noticed something big.
Sure the people who won't remember or who love me enough to forgive me see them, but God also sees, of course. But more importantly, what I realized is that even after I have recovered myself, that scar of anger is already there in my heart. I will always remember how good it felt to just let it out and not care who I affected. The problem is that all of those moments make up who I am--they mold my character. If I consistently and willingly allow myself to succumb to anger in a frustrating or overwhelming moment then that is my fault. It is not the fault of my circumstances--I am not a child.
The Lord continues to remind me to "take every thought captive to obey Christ" on a moment-to-moment basis, especially on bad days when I am frustrated by my lack of control (2 Corinthians 10:5). I am struck by the difficult work it takes to be a Christian and to fight these spiritual battles that most of us would rather ignore. We usually fight to change our circumstances, but we ignore the spiritual battles and deem them as something in that realm of the unreal. It is understandably difficult to even recognize the spiritual battles when our lives are lived in flesh and blood. But, of course, that is the Enemy's prerogative.
Paul, in defense of his ministry to the Corinthians, professes that "though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ" (2 Cor. 10:3-5). Every battle is truly in the mind--between who we will allow to control it. Wayne A. Grudem writes in the easy-to-digest theology book Christian Beliefs that "those who believe in Jesus should realize that through death, Jesus nullified the power of [the Enemy]" (p.56). In Christ we have power and authority to fight these spiritual battles and should fight them, confident of what Christ has already accomplished.
So in those times of frustration and anger I should remind myself what is at stake: the very character that Christ has been forming in me from the moment he saved me. It is worth fighting for, especially when you are on the winning team. By allowing his peace to cover me each day, I bring honor to his name.
I ended my last post by writing "I'm confused. And maybe that is exactly where the Lord wants me to be." Soooooooooooooo wrong! And so lacking in Biblical truth. Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace not of confusion, worry, or doubt. He does not want me to be confused, but rather, willing.
The Lord wants much more from me than I have been willing to give him. I have allowed my mind to dwell in negativity, and I've indulged in bad habits. And my heart has been devastatingly resistant to anything but my own will. But last week God rescued me through a conversation and a little miracle.
Ever since we decided to wait it out for the house-sitting gig, I have forced my husband to put a date on how long we will wait. He never wanted to do it, but my relentless nagging beat him down. We decided on August 15th, which was actually too long for me. In an effort to get him to change his mind and get on "my" side, I have discussed over and over how long he thinks we can live like this and so on.
Last Tuesday, I called a friend who is going through a similar situation and asked her perspective. She said, "I can't believe you would close the door for God." I didn't expect that response, but I knew she was right. Later that day as I looked for a Bible, I found a devotional a friend had told me about titled Jesus Calling. I had been wanting to get it and here it was at the house where I was staying. I read that day's devotion, and it was good but didn't speak to me. Something told me to go back two days to the date my friend told me about the book. I read the first two sentences and started bawling. "Trust in Me, not in your own understanding." I have heard it so many times. The remainder was about how humans spend so much time trying to figure out the next "thing" instead of resting in and trusting the Lord. I felt Jesus speaking directly to me.
Sometimes we need to ask forgiveness for not going to God when we are in stressful times and allow our minds to go places we know we shouldn't. I'm not saying I should be strong and not allow myself to cry or worry about our situation. But every time I let those times go by without crying out to my Lord, I believe that is sin. I'm indulging in my bad feelings and ignoring God because I just don't feel like talking to him. I asked forgiveness, asked why he keeps loving me and being so patient with me, and then I felt peace.
The next day was hard, but I called on Him and my husband came to my side in prayer to fight for me. I realized that it wasn't about the house anymore or where we would end up. It was about faith. Not even faith that God would get this house for us, but faith that he would provide for us. Faith that if I called out to him in a moment of desperation, he would direct my thoughts and cover me in peace. He brought me to a place where I had zero control and everything around me reminded me of that. If I did not surrender control to him, I would have broken... and not in a good way.
The following day we found out that we would not be able to house-sit for the family. Chaz and I both are at peace with the situation and glad that we finally have a direct answer. Of course we are disappointed, but we are resting in the surety that God is taking us somewhere good. We are moving into a nice and very small apartment near most of our friends on September 9, right in time for football season (go Pack!). In the meantime we will still be staying with our amazingly generous and loving friends.
There will still be bad moments and days until we get our lives together. But while I don't have my life together, I know that God has. It is resting securely in his mighty and competent hands. And today, I'm okay with that.
We have ten days to be out of our house and we don't know where we are going.
A few weeks ago, Chaz and I were apartment hunting. We found a great apartment at a great price. The deal seemed perfect. But while we were waiting for them to approve our credit and run background checks, I had a strong urge to pray for a greater blessing.
I'll try to make this simple. A friend of a friend will most likely be moving out of state for work in the next few weeks. This person works for a certain government-funded organization that is pretty big in Houston (I'm guessing you can figure it out). He and his family are waiting to hear from work when they will be moving. Thus far, the dates have been pushed around a few times, and they are just waiting for the word "go" so that they can find a home out of state. Here's the part where we come in: they will only be gone for a year or two and want someone to house-sit for them while they are gone. They will only be asking these people to pay utilities--no mortgage, no rent. They would like us to do that favor for them.
I'd heard about this opportunity and given this guy a call while we were apartment hunting, but almost a week went by and we hadn't heard from them. We decided to move forward with the nice apartment I mentioned above. I was content with our decision, but a feeling of... I'm not sure what... was growing. I opened my Bible to Daniel. Daniel prayed an amazing prayer of faith on behalf of his people, the Israelites. The people had disobeyed God time and time again, and God had allowed them to become captives of Babylon for decades. Daniel prays that God will grant his people mercy. Here are his eloquent words: "O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy" (Daniel 9:18). I felt a common ground in this. We had also sinned in our mishandling of our money--the money God had given us. We have made unwise decisions and are now paying for that. But in my guilt I had forgotten about my merciful God who blesses us when we do not deserve it.
So I prayed Daniel's prayer. I knew that if God wanted to give us this amazing blessing, he would do it. Not because we deserved it, but because he is so merciful. Two days later I got the call I had been waiting for.
Now we are in a state of limbo. The family, while they would like for us to take care of their home while they are gone, still does not know for sure when they will be moving. There is even a slight possibility that they will not move at all. We need to begin moving out this weekend. I have been an emotional wreck over this entire ordeal, and now not knowing what will happen is just about to wreck me. We could very well still get that apartment I mentioned earlier. That would be the logical decision, the safe decision. But as much as I want to go the safe route, I know that I would be trusting in myself and not in my God. I left the decision to Chaz, and his faith is unwavering. He feels that God would bless us if we can just trust and be patient.
So, we are going to wait. We will most likely be "homeless" for a week or longer until we can move into their house. But we are blessed with amazing friends who have offered up their extra rooms for us (yeah, we might actually take you up on that offer!). And yes, we may not even receive this blessing. They may not move and we'll have to find an apartment. However, if we do not move forward in faith, we could very well miss out on a huge blessing--something that we never considered when we decided to lease our house. Please pray for us as we take this leap of faith, and pray for me, that like the father of the boy with the unclean spirit I would cry out each day, "I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).
I've been stagnant for too long. Sure, I just had a kid, yeah I know. But I'm talking about spiritual stagnation. God has done so much work in my life these past couple years especially, but what have I done? I have allowed him to work, sure, but isn't there supposed to be more than that? What have I done for him? I've gotta say, not a whole lot.
What I realized is that my daughter is the one who is prompting these feelings. Nobody can tell you about the weight of responsibility you feel after having a child. I'm supposed to be a role model for her--the model of what a woman who loves Christ looks like. That's crazy! Sure she's just an infant... so I should give myself a break. I've got at least a year before she starts really watching me, right? Well, maybe, but I'm sure it will be better to get into the practice of godliness now.
The truth is my God has done enough for me already. Not only did Christ die for me, but he has imparted grace and knowledge to me by stretching and growing me. Being patient with me--being a parent to me. Now it is my time--not to do life on my own, but to serve God by serving others with the grace and knowledge he has given me. The one big area that I have lacked in servant-hood is in my relationship with my husband.
Oh, this is hard. It's hard not only to realize it but to admit it and put it out there. So God's design for marriage is that the husband leads his wife and she submits to him. And if the husband is the leader then that makes HIM ultimately the one responsible for his family to God. If God says, "Hey, you messed up here" then that is the husband's bad, not the wife's. This is demonstrated in the first marriage relationship of Adam and Eve. Even though it was Eve who first took of the forbidden fruit, God sought out Adam to explain what happened. So it should be comforting to me, as a wife, to know that God holds my husband responsible for our family. But it doesn't.
God cursed Eve (and therefore all women) saying, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you" Gen. 3:16. I desire his role of authority but don't want the responsibility of it, just as Eve blamed the serpent for deceiving her rather than taking the responsibility for disobeying God as she did (Gen. 3:13). If I am to be honest with myself and before God I must admit that I have never fully given the reigns of responsibility to my husband because I am afraid to give up that control. In essence I have not fully trusted God in handling my marriage because I have not completely trusted my husband.
In the past year God has called me to trust him again and again without knowing what the future holds (I think that's the definition of faith). He called me to quit my job. He called me to believe that he would give me a child even in my desperate, dark moments of doubt. And he has shown me why he asked those things of me. I know I'm supposed to be a stay-at-home mom. Surprisingly, though, I'm finding that it's not just about being there to raise my daughter. It's about me giving up the control and fulfillment I found in providing financially for our family. It's about totally trusting that my husband will provide for us. It's about making sacrifices in the way that we live so that I can obey God's call on my life. It's not about others changing, it's about me changing. And it is HARD!
I'd like to think that God would give me a break for a few years. Just let me sip tea on the front porch swing and take a load off. But he's not about that. He is about "testing [our] faith" to "produce steadfastness" or consistency and faithfulness (James 1:2). If I expect my life to change, I've gotta move out of the way and let my Lord work in me. The best way for me to do that is to be a servant.
