Well, it's been a while since I've written, so pardon me while I work out the kinks :)
We have turned a corner as a family this past week--Chaz got a new job! Praise the Lord! He's been waiting for this job to come through since January, and lots of people have helped us in prayer. It is so good to see the waiting finally be rewarded! Not only is he getting a pay increase, but he's also finished every day at 5:30 and has the weekends off! I am most grateful for the time he'll get at home. Also, now we should be able to get back on track and make our plan of getting out of debt become more and more possible.
However, the past few months have been so difficult, and the financial strain brought out an ugly, selfish person that I thought was long gone. It's more clear to me now how much work it takes to cling to Jesus and focus on loving your husband during difficult times.
It's true that hard times bring on a more earnest walk with the Lord. But I was also reminded of the ongoing spiritual battle in my head. There were times I caved to the negative thoughts directed toward our situation and mostly toward Chaz. I felt pitiful and weak as I allowed my selfish tantrum to go on and especially terrible when I didn't do anything to stop it. I pouted, cried, and screamed. I blamed. And when I was done, I slunk to Jesus and begged forgiveness. Each time I did this (yes, there was more than just one time) he showed me a bit of his perspective, specifically on my husband.
The last tantrum I had was thankfully short. By that time I had figured out that I needed two things: prayer and someone to pray for me. There is something about it that just lifts the burden from my heart. The timing was also perfect because we had church that night and it was the Wednesday before Easter, which at our church is always an awesome time of worship. Pretty much from the moment I unclenched my jaw enough to start singing, Jesus convicted me.
He painted a very clear portrait of the love I was withholding from my husband. My actions, words, and attitude over the past few months had been all but loving. He showed me that desperately selfish part of myself that is only willing to love if my standards are met. I hadn't seen that part of me in a while, and I was sad that it still existed. But Jesus doesn't only convict--he forgives and cleanses. I got some of that as well.
I wanted to share this because I want you do two things. First, recognize the spiritual battle going on. Sometimes it is obvious but most of the time the Enemy will launch a grenade that you don't see coming, usually from your past. Something you thought was long gone. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:9). Don't let this thing overpower you! Enlist forces to help you.
Make sure you have someone with whom to confess your battles. It should be a person that will always speak to you in truth and not egg you on--someone who gives you a mirror, not a sword. "...confess your sins to one another and pray for one another... the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working" (James 5:16).
I think there is always a little part of our "former selves" still in us, even as redeemed believers. There will be until we are made perfect before the Lord. Remember that God will use this part of us to change us and make us more like himself. More than anything God wants us to come to him to be renewed.
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
managing money and love
I realize the title of this post might offend some--specifically the young in love. How could one possibly manage love or equate the management of money with love? Well, I will try to explain my meaning with, of course, another real-life example.
Times have been hard and lean in the Williams' household as most of you know. Since we moved out of our house, we have made some very small strides in paying down our debt, but we still haven't quite figured out this whole idea of managing our money. It is yet unfamiliar territory, and the Lord had to pull out the big guns to show us what this is all about. Christmastime is usually a stressful financial season for many, and we were not spared that stress this year. It hit us hard--specifically traveling back home. That trip is always expensive. But that was expected; there were some curve balls thrown our way these past couple months.
Out of a sense of decorum, I will not hash out all the details over our biggest money-fight to date. And Chaz and I don't fight--we have discussions. Feelings were bruised on both sides--I was hurt by some things he did and in my anger lashed back with some of the most hurtful words I have ever spoken to my spouse. He left feeling deeply wounded while I felt vindicated, at least until I talked to Jesus about it.
I had every intention of confronting Chaz about my hurt feelings in a controlled and loving way. He did need to hear what I had to say. I asked a wise friend how to confront him and read from Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife about how to confront my husband in a loving spirit before we actually sat down to talk. But in the heat of the moment I lost it; and as I allowed the flesh to take over, I also lost some of the great things I have worked on building up in my marriage.
Now, I know nothing is beyond repair. We have already made-up. But I want to write to you about seeing our marriage from that ground zero-ish perspective. There are some things in life I regret. I wish that I hadn't had to learn those lessons from coming out of a mistake, but that's just the way life is. So in my post-fight silence I talked to Jesus--more like sat before him until the anger went away. Then he showed me some things about my marriage and my attitude toward my husband that I had been talking about doing but had not truly done. He showed me that our financial issues are a fog masking small cracks in our marriage. I now know a bigger reason why the Lord called me to quit my job and stay at home with my family: the financial strain being put on us is revealing the small cracks in the foundation.
In a marriage you cannot always meet each other's needs. Sometimes you try your best and still fail. I think financial problems are listed as the number one cause for divorce in our nation because you have two people heaping their expectations onto one another as well as themselves, and in those mountains of unmet expectations one can no longer see the bottom. It becomes too much to dig up, and so each leaves feeling empty.
I know Chaz and I have probably not seen the worst of our financial problems. But I do pray that as we set our goals together and continue to look to how God wants us to live we will keep in mind some important lessons that I hope you keep in mind as well:
1. Money (or the lack thereof) is not the issue. What expectations am I heaping onto my husband? Are they reasonable? Can I adjust them in some way? What do I need to give to the Lord instead of demanding it of my husband?
2. I am called to love and respect my husband. Even though my anger may have been justified (I think), I still need to spend MUCH time before the Lord speaking to Him about my anger BEFORE I go to my husband so that the Lord can "temper [my words] with His Spirit" (Omartian 35). For "when we live by the power of God rather than our flesh, we don't have to strive for power with our words. 'For the kingdom of God is not in word but in power' (1 Corinthians 4:20)" (Omartian 36). Don't you find that when you go before the Lord he tempers, or softens, your heart? Sometimes as wives we don't want to be softened before going to our husbands but toughened, as if a man would more readily respect that hardness. But you know these kinds of words only create further strife. God's way is narrow and difficult because he calls us to do the opposite of what we desire. He will reveal to you things you couldn't know about your relationship with a hardened, angry heart, and he will show you how to speak in love and respect.
3. These times of hardship are here for a reason. While we did get ourselves into this predicament, God does not waste a challenging season of life. His will is simply that we will know him more. He always chooses to reveal himself to us. Will we choose to look to him, not asking him to fix our mess, but to show us more of himself?
As I wrote earlier, nothing is beyond repair. Please know, however, that we are neither in dire straits nor is our marriage on the brink of collapse! I just tend to think really deeply about this sort of stuff. Pray with us that we won't just "tough out" these hard times but that we will live them and remember always to look to our God who is "making all things new."
Times have been hard and lean in the Williams' household as most of you know. Since we moved out of our house, we have made some very small strides in paying down our debt, but we still haven't quite figured out this whole idea of managing our money. It is yet unfamiliar territory, and the Lord had to pull out the big guns to show us what this is all about. Christmastime is usually a stressful financial season for many, and we were not spared that stress this year. It hit us hard--specifically traveling back home. That trip is always expensive. But that was expected; there were some curve balls thrown our way these past couple months.
Out of a sense of decorum, I will not hash out all the details over our biggest money-fight to date. And Chaz and I don't fight--we have discussions. Feelings were bruised on both sides--I was hurt by some things he did and in my anger lashed back with some of the most hurtful words I have ever spoken to my spouse. He left feeling deeply wounded while I felt vindicated, at least until I talked to Jesus about it.
I had every intention of confronting Chaz about my hurt feelings in a controlled and loving way. He did need to hear what I had to say. I asked a wise friend how to confront him and read from Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife about how to confront my husband in a loving spirit before we actually sat down to talk. But in the heat of the moment I lost it; and as I allowed the flesh to take over, I also lost some of the great things I have worked on building up in my marriage.
Now, I know nothing is beyond repair. We have already made-up. But I want to write to you about seeing our marriage from that ground zero-ish perspective. There are some things in life I regret. I wish that I hadn't had to learn those lessons from coming out of a mistake, but that's just the way life is. So in my post-fight silence I talked to Jesus--more like sat before him until the anger went away. Then he showed me some things about my marriage and my attitude toward my husband that I had been talking about doing but had not truly done. He showed me that our financial issues are a fog masking small cracks in our marriage. I now know a bigger reason why the Lord called me to quit my job and stay at home with my family: the financial strain being put on us is revealing the small cracks in the foundation.
In a marriage you cannot always meet each other's needs. Sometimes you try your best and still fail. I think financial problems are listed as the number one cause for divorce in our nation because you have two people heaping their expectations onto one another as well as themselves, and in those mountains of unmet expectations one can no longer see the bottom. It becomes too much to dig up, and so each leaves feeling empty.
I know Chaz and I have probably not seen the worst of our financial problems. But I do pray that as we set our goals together and continue to look to how God wants us to live we will keep in mind some important lessons that I hope you keep in mind as well:
1. Money (or the lack thereof) is not the issue. What expectations am I heaping onto my husband? Are they reasonable? Can I adjust them in some way? What do I need to give to the Lord instead of demanding it of my husband?
2. I am called to love and respect my husband. Even though my anger may have been justified (I think), I still need to spend MUCH time before the Lord speaking to Him about my anger BEFORE I go to my husband so that the Lord can "temper [my words] with His Spirit" (Omartian 35). For "when we live by the power of God rather than our flesh, we don't have to strive for power with our words. 'For the kingdom of God is not in word but in power' (1 Corinthians 4:20)" (Omartian 36). Don't you find that when you go before the Lord he tempers, or softens, your heart? Sometimes as wives we don't want to be softened before going to our husbands but toughened, as if a man would more readily respect that hardness. But you know these kinds of words only create further strife. God's way is narrow and difficult because he calls us to do the opposite of what we desire. He will reveal to you things you couldn't know about your relationship with a hardened, angry heart, and he will show you how to speak in love and respect.
3. These times of hardship are here for a reason. While we did get ourselves into this predicament, God does not waste a challenging season of life. His will is simply that we will know him more. He always chooses to reveal himself to us. Will we choose to look to him, not asking him to fix our mess, but to show us more of himself?
As I wrote earlier, nothing is beyond repair. Please know, however, that we are neither in dire straits nor is our marriage on the brink of collapse! I just tend to think really deeply about this sort of stuff. Pray with us that we won't just "tough out" these hard times but that we will live them and remember always to look to our God who is "making all things new."
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
servant
I've been stagnant for too long. Sure, I just had a kid, yeah I know. But I'm talking about spiritual stagnation. God has done so much work in my life these past couple years especially, but what have I done? I have allowed him to work, sure, but isn't there supposed to be more than that? What have I done for him? I've gotta say, not a whole lot.
What I realized is that my daughter is the one who is prompting these feelings. Nobody can tell you about the weight of responsibility you feel after having a child. I'm supposed to be a role model for her--the model of what a woman who loves Christ looks like. That's crazy! Sure she's just an infant... so I should give myself a break. I've got at least a year before she starts really watching me, right? Well, maybe, but I'm sure it will be better to get into the practice of godliness now.
The truth is my God has done enough for me already. Not only did Christ die for me, but he has imparted grace and knowledge to me by stretching and growing me. Being patient with me--being a parent to me. Now it is my time--not to do life on my own, but to serve God by serving others with the grace and knowledge he has given me. The one big area that I have lacked in servant-hood is in my relationship with my husband.
Oh, this is hard. It's hard not only to realize it but to admit it and put it out there. So God's design for marriage is that the husband leads his wife and she submits to him. And if the husband is the leader then that makes HIM ultimately the one responsible for his family to God. If God says, "Hey, you messed up here" then that is the husband's bad, not the wife's. This is demonstrated in the first marriage relationship of Adam and Eve. Even though it was Eve who first took of the forbidden fruit, God sought out Adam to explain what happened. So it should be comforting to me, as a wife, to know that God holds my husband responsible for our family. But it doesn't.
God cursed Eve (and therefore all women) saying, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you" Gen. 3:16. I desire his role of authority but don't want the responsibility of it, just as Eve blamed the serpent for deceiving her rather than taking the responsibility for disobeying God as she did (Gen. 3:13). If I am to be honest with myself and before God I must admit that I have never fully given the reigns of responsibility to my husband because I am afraid to give up that control. In essence I have not fully trusted God in handling my marriage because I have not completely trusted my husband.
In the past year God has called me to trust him again and again without knowing what the future holds (I think that's the definition of faith). He called me to quit my job. He called me to believe that he would give me a child even in my desperate, dark moments of doubt. And he has shown me why he asked those things of me. I know I'm supposed to be a stay-at-home mom. Surprisingly, though, I'm finding that it's not just about being there to raise my daughter. It's about me giving up the control and fulfillment I found in providing financially for our family. It's about totally trusting that my husband will provide for us. It's about making sacrifices in the way that we live so that I can obey God's call on my life. It's not about others changing, it's about me changing. And it is HARD!
I'd like to think that God would give me a break for a few years. Just let me sip tea on the front porch swing and take a load off. But he's not about that. He is about "testing [our] faith" to "produce steadfastness" or consistency and faithfulness (James 1:2). If I expect my life to change, I've gotta move out of the way and let my Lord work in me. The best way for me to do that is to be a servant.
What I realized is that my daughter is the one who is prompting these feelings. Nobody can tell you about the weight of responsibility you feel after having a child. I'm supposed to be a role model for her--the model of what a woman who loves Christ looks like. That's crazy! Sure she's just an infant... so I should give myself a break. I've got at least a year before she starts really watching me, right? Well, maybe, but I'm sure it will be better to get into the practice of godliness now.
The truth is my God has done enough for me already. Not only did Christ die for me, but he has imparted grace and knowledge to me by stretching and growing me. Being patient with me--being a parent to me. Now it is my time--not to do life on my own, but to serve God by serving others with the grace and knowledge he has given me. The one big area that I have lacked in servant-hood is in my relationship with my husband.
Oh, this is hard. It's hard not only to realize it but to admit it and put it out there. So God's design for marriage is that the husband leads his wife and she submits to him. And if the husband is the leader then that makes HIM ultimately the one responsible for his family to God. If God says, "Hey, you messed up here" then that is the husband's bad, not the wife's. This is demonstrated in the first marriage relationship of Adam and Eve. Even though it was Eve who first took of the forbidden fruit, God sought out Adam to explain what happened. So it should be comforting to me, as a wife, to know that God holds my husband responsible for our family. But it doesn't.
God cursed Eve (and therefore all women) saying, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you" Gen. 3:16. I desire his role of authority but don't want the responsibility of it, just as Eve blamed the serpent for deceiving her rather than taking the responsibility for disobeying God as she did (Gen. 3:13). If I am to be honest with myself and before God I must admit that I have never fully given the reigns of responsibility to my husband because I am afraid to give up that control. In essence I have not fully trusted God in handling my marriage because I have not completely trusted my husband.
In the past year God has called me to trust him again and again without knowing what the future holds (I think that's the definition of faith). He called me to quit my job. He called me to believe that he would give me a child even in my desperate, dark moments of doubt. And he has shown me why he asked those things of me. I know I'm supposed to be a stay-at-home mom. Surprisingly, though, I'm finding that it's not just about being there to raise my daughter. It's about me giving up the control and fulfillment I found in providing financially for our family. It's about totally trusting that my husband will provide for us. It's about making sacrifices in the way that we live so that I can obey God's call on my life. It's not about others changing, it's about me changing. And it is HARD!
I'd like to think that God would give me a break for a few years. Just let me sip tea on the front porch swing and take a load off. But he's not about that. He is about "testing [our] faith" to "produce steadfastness" or consistency and faithfulness (James 1:2). If I expect my life to change, I've gotta move out of the way and let my Lord work in me. The best way for me to do that is to be a servant.
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