This morning I made a big mess in my pantry:
I had stupidly been storing flour in a zipper storage bag. As you can see, my pantry is very deep so stuff tends to get lost back there. This gallon-sized bag of flour was one of those lost items. When I went to retrieve it, I pulled it out by the bottom (mistake #2) and behold the mess! This picture was taken after I pulled out more stuff that was in front of and under the mess. More was on the floor.
I sent a picture to my friend who asked if the bag had exploded. It certainly did look that way. But no, I explained to her what happened and likened it to a slow leak. When I got to the back of the shelf, I realized that flour had probably been coming out of the bag for a while. But nobody noticed because it wasn't doing any real harm in the deep, dark back of the pantry.
It wasn't too long before God started connecting the dots for me.
Disclaimer: I don't like to use extended metaphors, but this one just screamed to be used. Bear with me, please.
In my last post, I wrote about how my heart had been leaking junk for quite a while before I noticed any real problem. Since I started addressing the actual heart problem before God, He began pulling out items here and there. And when He finally got to the source of the leak and began the long process of pulling it out of the dark (which is far from over), I began grieving over the mess.
I grieve because I know how these things go. When God chooses to use something to refine me, especially this particular issue, I know the process will be long and difficult.
It took me about 30 minutes and a trip to Wally World to clean up the flour mess:
I certainly felt a measure of victory over the disorganization, especially since I have had it on my "to do" list for some time.
But I know God has depths of knowledge and insight to reveal to me on my real problems. And He won't do it in 30 minutes.
As much as I would like my emotional life to be nice and tidy like my pantry, or even more so, God is showing me that no part of our lives ever fit into airtight containers or tiny bins (yes, the metaphor is killing me too, but I can't help it!). And very few things are black and white, especially when it comes to such things as emotions and relationships.
But I want desperately for certain things to fit in a box. I want definition. I want the straight path.
God keeps reminding me that life isn't like that. We live in a fallen world where things are not as they should be.
So, I'm starting the painful process of letting go of an ideal. I don't know where it will take me, and that's pretty much part of the package. But I do know that the Lord will be there with me, whispering truths to me when I call on Him or using the piercing sword of His word when I refuse to listen. And I know, as Job, that God "knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold" (Job 23:10). I can take this truth to the bank.
I am thankful to have a Savior that left the Heavenly places for a while so that He could understand things like messes in the pantry and confusing emotions and broken relationships. I am thankful that His death made a way for me to climb up and pull on His ear.
And I am thankful that He loves me through it all.
God likes to use lots of different things to wake us up to what his plans are.
At times I feel like he is taking a chisel and delicately removing a piece that doesn't belong. Other times he uses a sledgehammer to knock off a large block. Lately he's been using heavy explosives on me, blasting away almost every part of me. Sometimes it feels like he wants there to be nothing left of me!
And that's exactly what he wants.
A ridiculous series of events happened this past week between myself and my best friend. Once I actually picked up the phone to talk to her (NOT text) and then quieted my heart before the Lord, I realized that I was, for the most part, unfairly taking out my frustration over my circumstances out on my friend. God really blessed me with a friend like her who still loves me even when I act like a child. With a clear head, I was able to unravel the emotions and events of that week, seeing that the root of the problem was my pride and sense of control.
Yeah, again.
A week from today will mark one year since we moved out of our house. I just looked through some old posts, and it is abundantly clear that God has been trying to get me to let go of my need to be in control. In fact, it has been the overall theme of my spiritual walk this year. God keeps showing me secret pockets of control I have tried to hide from him. It's like a person on a diet who stashes Little Debbies in her underwear drawer and other unexpected places. (God knows where the Swiss Rolls are hidden!) But the Lord sees all of my secret hiding spots, and he knows when it's time to reveal the truth to me, the truth that he hates those parts of me and so should I.
My friend Oswald Chambers wrote about sanctification in My Utmost: "Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the nature that controlled Him will control us" (Feb. 8). He later reminds us that "the Spirit of God will strip me down until there is nothing left but myself..." (July 22). He can say all these things because Jesus tells us in Luke 14:26 "If anyone comes to me and does not hate... his own life... he cannot be my disciple."
I used to feel uncomfortable with these harsh words from our Lord. But now I know what he means. There are times when the truth of my heart is revealed to me and in that moment I am so disgusted with myself that it literally makes me sick. I know in these moments that I am a person in desperate need of a savior.
It's not that God doesn't want me; actually it is quite the opposite. He wants me amplified, which is me filled with his light and love. That person cannot exist when she still clings to earthly things like her pride and sense of control. The moment I said Yes to Jesus, he started destroying those parts of me. This past year he has worked overtime! But the amazing thing, the reason I believe in his power is that I trust him more and more with the big things and the little things every day. Each time he removes an old lust, I am confirmed in my faith and trust in him. He shows me what he wants to take away, and I realize that I don't want it anyway. And that happens only because his truth is in my heart.
Are you in the blast zone right now? If you are a follower of Jesus, be comforted! He is giving you the best gift there is: he is taking away your old heart and replacing it with his own.
