"Hello, my name is Christy and I curse badly when I'm alone and have a tendency towards angry outbursts." Nice to meet you.
Don't you just wish we could all greet one another like we were in a perpetual AA meeting so that we could stop pretending to have it all together? You don't? Yeah, I guess I don't either.
But it is helpful to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16), and I suppose this is one of my outlets for doing so. So, you'll have to just bear with me.
I've had a pretty rough past couple months sprinkled with some joyous moments. Unfortunately, the rough moments slightly outweighed the joyful ones. I thought I had been handling my emotions pretty well through it all, but today I realized some junk has been seeping through the cracks of my heart and revealing that I'm not in as much control as I had thought.
The junk (i.e. what I opened with) has been getting a little out of hand, okay a lot out of hand lately. The other day I finally went to the Lord about it all. My opening line was the first red flag: "I thought I was handling my emotions pretty well." And God, as he is wont to do when we come to him with repentant hearts, pushed through that and showed me the I's in that statement. Where was he?
As I fumbled and finally broke down halfway through the prayer, God pulled scripture to mind: "From the depths of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Yes, something was jacked up in my heart, but what was it? I was handling everything well, wasn't I? My eyes locked in on the devotion from Jesus Calling I had read that morning which read, "Remember that I take great delight in you."
Great delight? No, not great delight in my sin. Not great delight in my feeling wretched in that moment or in my tears. He takes great delight in my drawing in close to him, my confiding in him, my need for him to fix my brokenness. He takes great delight in us.
See, I hadn't been spending much time with him lately. And, believe it or not, God is jealous for our love. So he allowed me to go my own way in "handling" my emotions until I realized my foolishness and came back to him.
This is the constant battle I have with myself--controlling my thoughts, emotions, overall life versus allowing God to control my thoughts, emotions, and life. The very idea that I could handle on my own all the emotionally brutal events from the past couple months is simply ridiculous. I know part of why it feels satisfying to hold everything together is something that's been with me since childhood. But part of it--even if it is a very small part--also has to do with thinking that keeping control of all of my junk somehow shows others what a good Christian I am. I am sure I'm not the only one who does this.
And that leads me back to my wonderful Savior. You see, he does not delight in my putting all my emotions in a neat box. He does not delight in my venting my pain through channels that the world deems as normal and acceptable.
He delights in my coming to him as an absolute broken-down mess. He delights in my confession of sin and pain and doubt because he knows exactly how I feel and exactly how to fix me. He delights in my turning away from my idol of self-reliance to nestle in his lap. He delights simply in our being together.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. --Psalm 16-19
I went out and bought myself a new travel coffee mug from Starbucks the other day. I have this old worn-out one and needed something new that will not only not leak coffee onto my shirt when I drink, but also something that would not easily knock over. I tend to be clumsy.
So, I selected a ceramic mug-like container with a handle. It's not a tall, slender model, but it has a low center of gravity so it will stay put even when I nudge it with my elbow. I also like it because of the little green siren on the front. She always looks so calm and happy. I feel pretty happy when I have my coffee, so I thought I'd name it my cup of joy.
Well, just that afternoon Satan tried to knock over my cup of joy.
What happened was ultimately a trivial matter, but it left me feeling discouraged and looking only at how long this road ahead of us is. The funny thing is, I had just been telling my husband the day before how content and adjusted I felt. I'm finally in a place where I feel at ease with where we are.
So, I was sitting there struck with this incident that was threatening my joy and peace. My emotional processing usually goes down this track: the immediate reaction, then the blaming, then the thoughts of "Why do I immediately go to the worst response? What is wrong with me? Shouldn't God's joy be in my heart all the time?" And then I feel guilty for not being a "Super Christian."
Sometimes it is me. Sometimes I am holding onto something that is blocking the Holy Spirit from working in my heart. Sometimes I just don't want to hear from God because I think I know what he's going to say and I don't want to hear it.
But sometimes it's not me. I am still amazed at how quickly I forget that the Enemy wants to steal my joy and that it is one of his main objectives. He will do whatever it takes to hijack our attention from the Lord.
Scripture tells us to always be aware of the devil for he "prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). That's some pretty vivid language! After Paul reminds us that we are battling "against the spiritual forces of evil," he tells us to "take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand the evil day..." (Ephesians 6:12-13).
Once I realized what was going on, I stopped thinking and started talking. You see, Satan knows me well. He knows my weaknesses better than almost anyone and will push any button to get me going. But Jesus knows me better. Instead of exploiting my weaknesses, he heals them--pushes through them to show his strength. He is the only one who can do this, the only one who can heal me.
I prayed aloud something like this: "God, I am feeling overwhelmed and afraid right now. I know these feelings are not from you, for your love casts out fear. God, you are truth. Satan, you have no power here. Lord, stop him from trying to make me believe these lies. You have overcome him and you have overcome the world. Stop my thoughts from going down the wrong path. Holy Spirit, focus my attention on you. Readjust my thinking."
My favorite piece of the "armor of God" is the sword of the Spirit "which is the word of God" (Eph. 6:17). I just recited as much truth as I could remember and then kind of made a chant of it, saying it again and again until I could feel the Holy Spirit. I'm not sure that it translates here, but when you are in the moment of speaking truth against lies, the peace that replaces the fear is quite overwhelming. Truth is our best offensive weapon when we are being attacked.
Now, I do want to say that I'm not sure I had a little devil whispering in my ear that night. I know that some of you might even be a little freaked out by my even mentioning this subject. But I did know that some lies that had been embedded in my heart long ago were springing back up and they needed to be dealt with. Speaking (and say it aloud!) truth into lies is always a good thing.
Sometimes all we need to do is remember whose side we are fighting on. The spiritual battles we fight are tricky, and we need to be mindful of any tendency to allow our thoughts to wander down the wrong path (you know what your wrong path is). Remember that even Jesus spoke truth, or scripture, into lies when he was tempted by Satan (see Matthew 4:1-11).
Remember the next time you are feeling fearful, angry, or tempted by something you know will cause you to sin that you can tell God about it. Remember that he helps us when we are in these weak spots. He is the one with the power to replace our fear with joy.
Well, it's been a while since I've written, so pardon me while I work out the kinks :)
We have turned a corner as a family this past week--Chaz got a new job! Praise the Lord! He's been waiting for this job to come through since January, and lots of people have helped us in prayer. It is so good to see the waiting finally be rewarded! Not only is he getting a pay increase, but he's also finished every day at 5:30 and has the weekends off! I am most grateful for the time he'll get at home. Also, now we should be able to get back on track and make our plan of getting out of debt become more and more possible.
However, the past few months have been so difficult, and the financial strain brought out an ugly, selfish person that I thought was long gone. It's more clear to me now how much work it takes to cling to Jesus and focus on loving your husband during difficult times.
It's true that hard times bring on a more earnest walk with the Lord. But I was also reminded of the ongoing spiritual battle in my head. There were times I caved to the negative thoughts directed toward our situation and mostly toward Chaz. I felt pitiful and weak as I allowed my selfish tantrum to go on and especially terrible when I didn't do anything to stop it. I pouted, cried, and screamed. I blamed. And when I was done, I slunk to Jesus and begged forgiveness. Each time I did this (yes, there was more than just one time) he showed me a bit of his perspective, specifically on my husband.
The last tantrum I had was thankfully short. By that time I had figured out that I needed two things: prayer and someone to pray for me. There is something about it that just lifts the burden from my heart. The timing was also perfect because we had church that night and it was the Wednesday before Easter, which at our church is always an awesome time of worship. Pretty much from the moment I unclenched my jaw enough to start singing, Jesus convicted me.
He painted a very clear portrait of the love I was withholding from my husband. My actions, words, and attitude over the past few months had been all but loving. He showed me that desperately selfish part of myself that is only willing to love if my standards are met. I hadn't seen that part of me in a while, and I was sad that it still existed. But Jesus doesn't only convict--he forgives and cleanses. I got some of that as well.
I wanted to share this because I want you do two things. First, recognize the spiritual battle going on. Sometimes it is obvious but most of the time the Enemy will launch a grenade that you don't see coming, usually from your past. Something you thought was long gone. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:9). Don't let this thing overpower you! Enlist forces to help you.
Make sure you have someone with whom to confess your battles. It should be a person that will always speak to you in truth and not egg you on--someone who gives you a mirror, not a sword. "...confess your sins to one another and pray for one another... the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working" (James 5:16).
I think there is always a little part of our "former selves" still in us, even as redeemed believers. There will be until we are made perfect before the Lord. Remember that God will use this part of us to change us and make us more like himself. More than anything God wants us to come to him to be renewed.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about prayer. I have always thought highly of the so-called "prayer warriors" and think often of the life of prayer, the life that lives inside the prayers that our Lord hears.
My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers is my favorite devotion. I keep going back to it year after year. If you've never read it consistently, I highly recommend it for its concise yet thought-provoking messages each day. The past few days the devotions have been about prayer, so I wanted to share my thoughts on what Chambers wrote. He begins by writing on our circumstances and how they are not by chance but that "God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you." He goes on to write, "Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them" (November 7). I have been in this agonizing situation many, many times. I not only agonize over how I should act physically, but also over how I should pray and what I should pray for.
While God is uncannily complex and our comprehension of him is minuscule, his directives for us are always simple. The Lord has been dealing with me lately about my heart toward my husband. I catch myself agonizing over how I should pray for him or how I should act on his behalf or what I should say or do to get him to do something I want. Usually my desires are good things, Godly things, but the way in which I want these things to be accomplished is selfish and manipulative, namely because it is my way of making it happen. It is possible sometimes to manipulate other people, but it is not possible to manipulate God.
So, when I think about how I try to manipulate my husband (really, we all do it), I think this haunting question: What kind of wife am I? Negative phrases pop into my mind: nagging, takes control too much (making a budget without consulting him), bothered by silly, unimportant things (bottle incident from two posts ago), doesn't see my husband for who he is now as opposed to who I want him to be. Obviously this last thing is the most dangerous. My greatest flaw is that I hold many people in my life to impossibly high standards, including myself. Now, the Lord has done MUCH in my life to heal me of this behavior, but at times I do still struggle with it. We hurt the ones we love the most, right? So for me that would be Chaz. He gets the brunt of bad moods and the leftovers of my sinful behavior. He really does see all the nasty stuff about me, which makes me grateful that he still chooses to love me.
The Lord had to take me down a notch this past week (and don't we all love it when that happens?). I had been brandishing my sword of self-righteousness atop my horse named Pride when a Godly woman showed me where I had strayed in my thinking on a certain issue regarding my husband. There are too many times that I believe I have the right answer for the ones I love. I know what God wants to do for them (Yes, it's okay to point and gasp at the crazy woman). You see, I have to be reminded that I am not the arbiter of right and wrong or the dispenser of God's word for others. I am not. He is.
If I believe, truly believe, that God's vision for my loved ones and for myself is good, then I will trust him to make things happen--and these are not necessarily the things I want but what God wants. I will bring my concerns to him, lay them at the cross, and take comfort in knowing that "the Spirit himself makes intercession for [me] with groanings which cannot be uttered" (Romans 8:26). If I can keep my mind clear of that sin which so dominates my thought life, the sin of control, then I can rest in the knowledge that my God just has it. He has the people and the circumstances that I don't. When I give up my death-grip to him, he can free my hands to acts of love and service toward others, including my husband. When my grip is loosened, my heart is free to love without the boundaries I put up--the Holy Spirit acting through me. And it is really just about love, isn't it?
If there is anything you take away from this post, I hope that you ask God who or what you are keeping under a death-grip. Who is it that the Lord is calling you to release into his care? Who is it that you could love so much more freely if the worry over your relationship was gone? What amazing leap of faith could the Lord call you to take if your heart was no longer anxious over a certain situation? Remind yourself that God has it, so leave it with him.
We have ten days to be out of our house and we don't know where we are going.
A few weeks ago, Chaz and I were apartment hunting. We found a great apartment at a great price. The deal seemed perfect. But while we were waiting for them to approve our credit and run background checks, I had a strong urge to pray for a greater blessing.
I'll try to make this simple. A friend of a friend will most likely be moving out of state for work in the next few weeks. This person works for a certain government-funded organization that is pretty big in Houston (I'm guessing you can figure it out). He and his family are waiting to hear from work when they will be moving. Thus far, the dates have been pushed around a few times, and they are just waiting for the word "go" so that they can find a home out of state. Here's the part where we come in: they will only be gone for a year or two and want someone to house-sit for them while they are gone. They will only be asking these people to pay utilities--no mortgage, no rent. They would like us to do that favor for them.
I'd heard about this opportunity and given this guy a call while we were apartment hunting, but almost a week went by and we hadn't heard from them. We decided to move forward with the nice apartment I mentioned above. I was content with our decision, but a feeling of... I'm not sure what... was growing. I opened my Bible to Daniel. Daniel prayed an amazing prayer of faith on behalf of his people, the Israelites. The people had disobeyed God time and time again, and God had allowed them to become captives of Babylon for decades. Daniel prays that God will grant his people mercy. Here are his eloquent words: "O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations, and the city that is called by your name. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy" (Daniel 9:18). I felt a common ground in this. We had also sinned in our mishandling of our money--the money God had given us. We have made unwise decisions and are now paying for that. But in my guilt I had forgotten about my merciful God who blesses us when we do not deserve it.
So I prayed Daniel's prayer. I knew that if God wanted to give us this amazing blessing, he would do it. Not because we deserved it, but because he is so merciful. Two days later I got the call I had been waiting for.
Now we are in a state of limbo. The family, while they would like for us to take care of their home while they are gone, still does not know for sure when they will be moving. There is even a slight possibility that they will not move at all. We need to begin moving out this weekend. I have been an emotional wreck over this entire ordeal, and now not knowing what will happen is just about to wreck me. We could very well still get that apartment I mentioned earlier. That would be the logical decision, the safe decision. But as much as I want to go the safe route, I know that I would be trusting in myself and not in my God. I left the decision to Chaz, and his faith is unwavering. He feels that God would bless us if we can just trust and be patient.
So, we are going to wait. We will most likely be "homeless" for a week or longer until we can move into their house. But we are blessed with amazing friends who have offered up their extra rooms for us (yeah, we might actually take you up on that offer!). And yes, we may not even receive this blessing. They may not move and we'll have to find an apartment. However, if we do not move forward in faith, we could very well miss out on a huge blessing--something that we never considered when we decided to lease our house. Please pray for us as we take this leap of faith, and pray for me, that like the father of the boy with the unclean spirit I would cry out each day, "I believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).
