"Hello, my name is Christy and I curse badly when I'm alone and have a tendency towards angry outbursts." Nice to meet you.
Don't you just wish we could all greet one another like we were in a perpetual AA meeting so that we could stop pretending to have it all together? You don't? Yeah, I guess I don't either.
But it is helpful to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16), and I suppose this is one of my outlets for doing so. So, you'll have to just bear with me.
I've had a pretty rough past couple months sprinkled with some joyous moments. Unfortunately, the rough moments slightly outweighed the joyful ones. I thought I had been handling my emotions pretty well through it all, but today I realized some junk has been seeping through the cracks of my heart and revealing that I'm not in as much control as I had thought.
The junk (i.e. what I opened with) has been getting a little out of hand, okay a lot out of hand lately. The other day I finally went to the Lord about it all. My opening line was the first red flag: "I thought I was handling my emotions pretty well." And God, as he is wont to do when we come to him with repentant hearts, pushed through that and showed me the I's in that statement. Where was he?
As I fumbled and finally broke down halfway through the prayer, God pulled scripture to mind: "From the depths of the heart, the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Yes, something was jacked up in my heart, but what was it? I was handling everything well, wasn't I? My eyes locked in on the devotion from Jesus Calling I had read that morning which read, "Remember that I take great delight in you."
Great delight? No, not great delight in my sin. Not great delight in my feeling wretched in that moment or in my tears. He takes great delight in my drawing in close to him, my confiding in him, my need for him to fix my brokenness. He takes great delight in us.
See, I hadn't been spending much time with him lately. And, believe it or not, God is jealous for our love. So he allowed me to go my own way in "handling" my emotions until I realized my foolishness and came back to him.
This is the constant battle I have with myself--controlling my thoughts, emotions, overall life versus allowing God to control my thoughts, emotions, and life. The very idea that I could handle on my own all the emotionally brutal events from the past couple months is simply ridiculous. I know part of why it feels satisfying to hold everything together is something that's been with me since childhood. But part of it--even if it is a very small part--also has to do with thinking that keeping control of all of my junk somehow shows others what a good Christian I am. I am sure I'm not the only one who does this.
And that leads me back to my wonderful Savior. You see, he does not delight in my putting all my emotions in a neat box. He does not delight in my venting my pain through channels that the world deems as normal and acceptable.
He delights in my coming to him as an absolute broken-down mess. He delights in my confession of sin and pain and doubt because he knows exactly how I feel and exactly how to fix me. He delights in my turning away from my idol of self-reliance to nestle in his lap. He delights simply in our being together.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. --Psalm 16-19
Well, it's been a while since I've written, so pardon me while I work out the kinks :)
We have turned a corner as a family this past week--Chaz got a new job! Praise the Lord! He's been waiting for this job to come through since January, and lots of people have helped us in prayer. It is so good to see the waiting finally be rewarded! Not only is he getting a pay increase, but he's also finished every day at 5:30 and has the weekends off! I am most grateful for the time he'll get at home. Also, now we should be able to get back on track and make our plan of getting out of debt become more and more possible.
However, the past few months have been so difficult, and the financial strain brought out an ugly, selfish person that I thought was long gone. It's more clear to me now how much work it takes to cling to Jesus and focus on loving your husband during difficult times.
It's true that hard times bring on a more earnest walk with the Lord. But I was also reminded of the ongoing spiritual battle in my head. There were times I caved to the negative thoughts directed toward our situation and mostly toward Chaz. I felt pitiful and weak as I allowed my selfish tantrum to go on and especially terrible when I didn't do anything to stop it. I pouted, cried, and screamed. I blamed. And when I was done, I slunk to Jesus and begged forgiveness. Each time I did this (yes, there was more than just one time) he showed me a bit of his perspective, specifically on my husband.
The last tantrum I had was thankfully short. By that time I had figured out that I needed two things: prayer and someone to pray for me. There is something about it that just lifts the burden from my heart. The timing was also perfect because we had church that night and it was the Wednesday before Easter, which at our church is always an awesome time of worship. Pretty much from the moment I unclenched my jaw enough to start singing, Jesus convicted me.
He painted a very clear portrait of the love I was withholding from my husband. My actions, words, and attitude over the past few months had been all but loving. He showed me that desperately selfish part of myself that is only willing to love if my standards are met. I hadn't seen that part of me in a while, and I was sad that it still existed. But Jesus doesn't only convict--he forgives and cleanses. I got some of that as well.
I wanted to share this because I want you do two things. First, recognize the spiritual battle going on. Sometimes it is obvious but most of the time the Enemy will launch a grenade that you don't see coming, usually from your past. Something you thought was long gone. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:9). Don't let this thing overpower you! Enlist forces to help you.
Make sure you have someone with whom to confess your battles. It should be a person that will always speak to you in truth and not egg you on--someone who gives you a mirror, not a sword. "...confess your sins to one another and pray for one another... the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working" (James 5:16).
I think there is always a little part of our "former selves" still in us, even as redeemed believers. There will be until we are made perfect before the Lord. Remember that God will use this part of us to change us and make us more like himself. More than anything God wants us to come to him to be renewed.
Not too long ago I spoke with a friend about temptation. She was sorely disappointed in herself because she was yet again at a place where she was wrestling with the same thing she had always wrestled with. I could hear the defeat in her voice when she said, "I thought I had conquered this but here I am again." It stuck with me because I have been there, too.
It is so hard because a false belief that floats around in the Christian community is that Christians have it all together. Even when we know that we are not perfect and never can be, we still try to make ourselves fit into that box of perfection. We are so thankful that Christ died for us and made us right before God, but we still think that we owe him one and ought to not mess up anymore. I really believe every Christian thinks that way sometimes.
And indeed we ought not try to sin anymore and should seek Christ and his righteousness. But I'm talking about giving ourselves a bit of grace in times of temptation. When we get to that place of "Oh, here I am again--that means I must not have grown at all and I've learned nothing" I think we need to take a little heart check.
Doesn't the simple fact that you realize you are in "that place" again mean that you have grown? Previously, wouldn't you have just fallen into the old pattern of sin and not given it a second thought? Stopping just short of committing an old sin and wrestling against the temptation speaks volumes on how much a person has grown in their faith.
And in the case of my friend--she called me to talk about it. I pointed out to her that calling on a fellow Christian in a time of temptation is a huge sign of her growth. She called me and not another friend, a friend that would not understand her struggle and just advise her to follow her desires with a tagline of "What's the big deal?" The ability to recognize your need to share a struggle with someone who can hold you accountable is another sign of growth.
Finally, keep in mind that this entire line of thinking puts us at the helm of our spiritual growth instead of Christ. The idea that "I thought I had conquered this" is dangerous ground because it makes me the one who can defeat sin when I have no ability to do so. Put your trust in the fact that Christ has justified you and is continuing to work out something amazing in you so that he can present you as "holy and blameless" before God (Colossians 1:22).
Let's stop this pattern of beating ourselves up each time we are tempted with "that old sin." Satan knows our weaknesses, and while we still live in this world we will have to face them. Remind yourself that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). So, now that we have faith in Christ remember that "if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, we shall be saved by His life" (Romans 5:10). If Christ saved you while you were still a sinner, doesn't his grace cover you even more now that you have been justified by his blood? Doesn't that grace cover you in times of temptation? Doesn't he give you the grace to overcome the temptation? Know that he does and remind yourself that your sanctification is not in the past but is an active, living, present condition.
