delusions of a stay-at-home mom

Sometimes I wonder if I should really stay at home. 


Yesterday, for example, was a mess. Baby Savy kept waking up during the night and during the day would hardly nap. Baby Blayke (I am watching another infant, four days younger than Savannah which makes it difficult to get out of the house) was only happy if I held her upright (apparently the Grandparents that watched her all weekend forgot that babies DO need to be put down to play on their own). By late afternoon, I had to take a mini break during a double-crying fit and shut myself up in the bedroom for a couple of minutes. I just keep saying, "God, please help me!"


Today has been much more relaxed, and I feel accomplished having cleaned the apartment and taken care of some business. But, like I said, there are many days when I wonder "what if?" What if I had chosen to work outside the home? What if I had ventured on a new career--found something I truly enjoyed? These questions come because the days do indeed run together when you are pent up inside all day. When I was working, I couldn't wait for the time when I'd get to relax all day with my little bundle of joy, cleaning house a little, learning how to cook a little more (which is still very much a work in progress). But now I will do almost anything to go run an errand late at night while Chaz watches Savannah just so I can get some alone time--even if it is with a hundred other people at Wal-Mart.


I wonder if I am really cut out for this job. The thing is, I never got so worked up when I was working. Sure I would get stressed out at times and I hated taking work home with me and I complained ad nauseam about how the impromptu pep rally ruined my lesson for seventh period. But it was a world in which I felt comfortable. It was always changing but within a sphere of predictability, which I loved. Sometimes I think I enjoyed the control I had as a teacher more than anything (which is not good). As a stay at home mom, I have routine and predictability but to an almost depressing degree. Sometimes the most surprising thing that happens is what kind of poop Savannah has in her diaper. 


After Savy came, I thought I would enjoy being a stay-at-home mom without question, but it is very hard. Not hard in the sense of duty but hard because for the first time in my life I have to meet the demands of someone else before I meet my own demands. I'm not saying that I feel burdened by motherhood, but it is definitely not all that I had expected. 


I know that in reality I would be a very poor working mom. The standards I place on myself would not endure perfection in three categories (i.e. teacher, wife, mom). And by and large these feelings I have mentioned are mostly fleeting. Mostly I think I am still working out the kinks of my new job. I don't give myself enough credit for what I do or enough grace for mistakes. I believe that is a fault in all moms--working outside the home or not--that we need to correct. If we believe in a God who is merciful beyond our comprehension then we should try to take a lesson in mercy for our own hearts. 


I have always heard that being a parent will give you greater insight on God's love toward us. One of the lessons I see at work in myself is that while I still have times of selfishness (and always will), it is becoming easier to give up what I want in order to meet the needs of my daughter. Being a stay-at-home mom does have its moments of grandeur--these moments just come in smaller packages. For example, Savannah's new venture is rolling from back to belly all day long. She's just having trouble getting from belly to back. I am thankful that I have chosen to be the one who always gets to show her how to set herself right again. For that, some boring and mundane moments in my day are easy sacrifices.